something about men in movies...

finally found Sarah Harmer's Silver Road song with Tragically Hip still intact, didn't think I would hear it again.

Replaying it consistently on YouTube, I couldn't help but eventually notice the footages the creator edited into the song. Footages from Men With Brooms, which is where the song first originated from. Watching the footage, again and again, I developed a crush for the leading role already. Maybe it was his Canadian good charm, or his leather jacket, or the association with him and a sport, hence manliness, but I grew really comfortable with him. And I am sure the editor of the song felt so too, given that he is in every scene of complied footages. Thanks for the brainwashing, no really!

But I think the real reason that I feel in love with him is the fact that

1. Silver Road was one of the most important songs in my single life, hearing the song brought back the feeling of loneliness that I have been lucky enough to have forgotten
2. The more interesting reason is I think that there is something about falling in love with a character in a movie. First there is a story that usually has a happy ending, so you feel euphoric because of that. Second, even if it didn't have a happy ending, watching the movie again and again (which you would if you are in love), proved a predictability that brew comfort. We all want a man with no nasty surprises. PLUS PLUS! you can always just rewind to watch the sweet parts, or the sexual parts, whatever you are in the mood for.

after...

so I talked with Miran, and she doesn't think Dirk cheated. I was angry, and funny enough, we went to night market with Q & D that night. It was a strange occurrence as I was sitting outside of Dirk's house typing him that email. And debating whether to enter his house or not. I knew that all that needs to be said was in the email and going in is only me being weak. Going in meant forgiving, whether Dirk knew it or not.

Sadly, I didn't have anywhere else to go. I tried to contact some friends, all of which were in the midst of their own life and activities. Including Q&D, saying that they will be going to the night market with some friends. After I hung up, i walked up to Dirk's, thinking 'i mind as well go in, as no one is going to invite me anywhere anyways'

right after that Q called and asked if i wanted to go. What's more is that he only had one spot in his car. So i agreed.

Then i guess some twisted luck, the other couple wanted to drive there themselves, so they had more spots and asked if dirk would go. I wasn't one to answer for him. So i asked for him. And thats how it happened.

He bought me a stuffed animal, and responded my email for 3 hrs till 3 in the morning. it was sweet. content-wise, not so much but it was still sweet. Next day we had printed versions of the letter and discussed the order of business together.

So i guess that is THAT?

letter to dirk

Dirk,

This is a letter to tell as it is and a venue for me to fully express my concerns and feelings without having to cause a sore throat. I must ask of you to not do your usual regress-and-hide-in-corner-paralyzed-unable-to-do-anything-or-function-in-any-way routine. It is hard as it is to express these emotions, let alone having a horrible response that facilitates no communication whatsoever. I am not looking to end my letter having to make you feel better, or making sure you are okay. In all honesty, I feel as if I have been enabling you to behave this way, allowing you shirk from responsibilities and emotions. Instead of dealing with them, you fill your moments with distractions: movies, pills, food, whatever. And it is just a lot of bad coping mechanisms that I haven’t seen any improvements on.

With the recent events, I feel extremely difficult to rely on you. This ‘memory issue’ needs to be addressed, not half heartedly, but pursuit with full force. This is not the first time you have used this reason, and it is getting to ridiculous. It is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card you can throw in my face and expect everything to be better.

I am split down the middle in terms of my trust with you. On a deep deep level, I think you wouldn’t cheat on me, and I suppose that is some trust. But events like this are not the first time, nor the second or third time this has happened. Through previous times I know you have lied to me in my face before. And with thoughts like that, I don’t feel like I can trust you. These events have made it hard for me to feel comfortable to rely on you. This is awful because it will put more than just strain on the relationship once we move overseas.

I am frustrated at you. You have a history of making bad decisions. Things you do sometimes are just not well thought out. This whole squirt thing is a perfect example. Worst yet, and this is a revisit of an old issue, you are again crippled with bad feelings.

The text messages you have sent me, ‘have I completely lost you?’, ‘if so I understand’? That’s it? You understand? You will just let me go cuz you understand? Dirk I know I am a hopeless romantic, and I do have movie like fantasies and expectations. You think those things only exist in movies, but if you act out these things, then they are instantly a reality. You don’t fight for these things, it doesn’t mean you don’t care, but you don’t fight for it either. Instead you are wounded and helpless. Well that is bullshit, no one is coming to comfort you when you pissed away at the one who cares for you. You don’t go fighting back for their love or redeem yourself in some way, no one is going to be that much of a doormat.

Yesterday demonstrated this. I knew you couldn’t sleep, I know you would be distraught by what happened. You could’ve wrote me an email, something to try to make up for what you have done. In my mind, it is a perfect time for a grad gesture. Which is what I want Dirk, a grand gesture. Seems like you don’t believe in them. I do. You could’ve been so wound up by the guilt of hurting me, come to the house, by bus or by taxi, and asked me to forgive you. Instead you took a sleeping pill and slept your worries away. How dare you to message me the next day saying ‘you understand?’ What I don’t understand is how little you have given for this. In all honesty, a grand gesture is what I need to feel better, but with this case, I don’t know if 1 you can ever think of any grand gesture 2 whether it would make things any better.

Our relationship has been very good lately. And it is times like these that all your shit spills out and are exposed. It is the same stuff Dirk. It hasn’t improved. It is like you had never had screw up and hurt people you love and actually won them back. I am so tired of winning myself back into the relationship. And it is so sad to watch you dwelt in your self pity and loathing. You are 43, please figure it out.

Steven

never stops

last night, in the midst of not really anything, sleeping at my parents' house, i suddenly remembered that Dirk had an odd account name on Squirt that i saw from an email. See i use his email address to mail stuff for london and shit. Anyways, the nickname was Tarus42. which under my many years of understanding of the art of naming on the internet, the 42 can either mean he is born 1942, which he is not, or he made this account when he was 42, which we were dating for a year already.

Deduction is a bitch.

It ate me up, it ate and ate me up last night. In the afternoon, i decided to try emailing squirt's email contact and see if it would be able to tell me when this account was registered. Maybe, just maybe its not when he was 42, maybe it fucking meant something else. Then tonight, when I was hanging out with Miran and her friends + Kin, i wanted to leave and talk to dirk as soon as he was off. And so i left kin at miran's, it was bad, but it wasnt the worst.

At dirks, after many different ways of starting this dreaded but much needed conversation that i played in my head, I asked him to promise to answer my next question in complete honesty. He swore on his great grandmother's grave. So i asked him 'when did you create your squirt account?' he said a long time ago, before he met me. So i said, if we see the date of when he posted story online (another fight we had long ago, but basically just that he posted porn stories (called cocktails) and i didnt realize he did that so i got mad), we will be able to know when he had his account.

To my saddest surprise, we found the story, written by dick_diddler.

The motherfucker made a new account. In around the same time, with my head spinning and shortness of breath, i read the email response that the tarus account was in fact created on 12/29/06. not even half a year ago.

I called dad, during this time, i asked him if he was to have created the account when i was in hk last christmas, how does he think i feel? he said he knows i would feel horrible. and guess wat? dad told me i was gone to hk since 12/26/06 - 01/06/07.

Bin-fucking-go

in reality, i dont really think he has cheated on me, the account had nothing in the profile (he could've deleted everything), he had no body on his buddy list (which he had on his dick account), but BUT, he ticked the option of not getting any members to email him to his account but he didn't tick off the automatic 'make me a star cruiser!' option. I felt like i was playing nancy drew or sherlock holmes, out to detect whether his lover cheated on him or not

i hate this, this is not the first time. his defense is that he can't really remember because it isn't so important to him. But he swore and swore that he didnt cheat on me, but he fucked up with the sworing already. Honestly, at this point, i dont know what is there to do. I don't trust him. It isn't the first time. and he is not good at grand gestures, which is the one thing that can get me not mad, but in all honesty, i dont even know if a grand gesture can save this bullshit of a relationship.

but i dont have to worry, no grand gesture will come. i want to write him an email, give him hints about what i want, but whats the point, he not doing it will only make me more angry

reflections...

so now that its been a day, things are a little dated and i guess less worthwhile, this whole discount of time thing works outside of money

i thought about it, and i know i thought about it during the walk last night, but i guess i was too tired to get that far about it.

i thought that maybe this is just a way of telling me that i really dont deserve an ipod. that i have so many other things that played music, like my cell phone, or my ds. and that these other people dont have any of it, of course thoughts like well peter won one when he didnt want one came to my mind, and i know he gave it to marshall. . . so maybe marshall deserved it

regardless, i know i said how i did all these things for celia, but i know she did good things for me too, and thats the point

sadly, whenever i start writing, all the nicer deeper thoughts through out the day just disspates into the fucking air. hence rants and rants

one of those nights...

god this is gonna be a long post, and I just finished walking non-stop for the last hour in the dead of the night thinking about all thats happened today ...

today was my convocation, but much more happened than that, hmm maybe I am just letting everyday drama overshadow this monumental event. I wore contacts today so i can see everything clearly, and with my eyeglasses stolen this was a pretty/itchy alternative. I had fun pinning the gown and regalia or what you will call it on some people. Seeing Ying Ying again was awesome . .

we were to wait in this basement place with no reception and listen to this guy talk about the procedure of graduation. and then we were whisked away into the Chan Center where our ceremony was held

it was inside there, while we were lining up to get into the Chan Center that the nerves hit me.

the scary white lite doesn't help, and we were walking away from the light, and into the building

once seated, i turned around and saw the rows of people behind me and I saw dirk at the back of the first floor and my parents on the second floor

It was a nerve wrecking experience, and i didnt listen to to instructions of how to get up and where to look and all of that. I was depending on watching a few people go first and then pick it up. Apparently, the first bunch didnt listen either. . . resulting 'in turning away too soon then flashing, and turning back again but it was too late moments'

I noticed my gown's zipper was broken and i had to make sure no pressure was applied to rip the zipper apart

my name card

the broken zipper
my folder in which my certificate holds

the walk was alright, and dan hugged a bunch of girls. . . and some guys, not me thou, he made a point to walk away even though he shook the guy in front of me's hand

then i bumped into my first sex partner, god it was because of his sauder fling, i probably had an idea who he was but it was just weird seeing him there, and he looks v. old now. but sweet nonetheless, although i think theres an internal hatred towards him and people like dirk that goes after young asians simply because it is much harder to find attractive white versions of similar things and since asians can't usually get younger white people, thats what ends up happening, but i digress . . .

___________________________

The rest of the day was devoted to celebrating Walter's 23rd birthday, we watched Pirates 3 which sucked. and i fell asleep 3 times

the real drama happened when we were at F.O.B. event tonight. I went there consistently to win my ipod nano, i think i went 3 times now, and i spent numerous hours at bingo, trying to win an ipod. . .

so there was i was, aggressive as ever to get the person to sell tickets, cuz in reality, he didnt really do his job too well. and I had to seek him out to buy the tickets, i bought 15 and then i told celia about it, and she bought 5, i told her that if she won, she gotta gimme the ipod, and she was like alright.

so of course, she won the fucking ipod

it was akward, and lets just say at the end of the night, i didnt leave home with an ipod.
1000s of thoughts were running in my mind, and they still are. at first i wondered if i should pursuit it, but i didnt because i know celia is not dumb, and i know she didnt want to give it to me, it really wasnt worth fighting and saying that you said if you won you would give it to me.

anyways dirk didnt think that would be such a good idea, and i know celia wanted to raise the topic around it, to maybe say some kind of solution, but she stopped cold everytime. it sucked because it was one of those things that is just too akward to bring up, and it bugged me. Because if it was anyone else, i know celia would probably give it to them. but not with me, and its not because i am any less of a friend i suppose, but just that its how i chose to have a relationship with her, or anyone for that matter

i act like an asshole, i truly do, but i do do good things for them, what i want to say to celia, for example is that ' who was there when you were completely heart broken and supported you over the months? who always do their best to make sure you have comfortable seatings, proper food, and think of you and take care of you? " but after trying to list some of these things i realized she did a lot for me too, so maybe its not so clear - cut

but thats the thing, we are close, and she does come to me to tell me things, but thats how close we are, and that she can easily not feel too bad bout not giving me this ipod. cuz i do treat her 'badly' but thats what i do, if people still treat me nice, and they can see that i actually, despite my appearence, treat them well, they should be able to treat me well. and be the good friend they should be..

anyways. i am tired. the last bit of rant i have in me is that leo brought a friend over and totally got hitched by walter, and walter is at his place now, 'sleeping over'

leo aint happy, and walter is a whore

do pass this around...

MMM

Mom's Moodswing Madness

I sorta regret telling mom about my man's problems. Especially today, with her work problems, her mood is low. And the biggest problem is, her low moods affect every ounce of her bones. A fabulous dress will look horrendous during those moments. She will hate everything about anything, and this does not stop at your son's gay bf. No, no, in fact it is probably the next item she would turn to with her cursor/target towards - terminator style. Ready to find its flaws and weaknesses, and swoop in for the kill.

Of course she can make it look like she is suffering this whole time while she is at it. And i do understand/believe that this has all been tremendously hard for her. I completely know that I am extremely lucky to have my parents not disowning me or give me any sorts of hard time about my sexuality. It makes situations like this a lot more tolerable. But seeing how much it hurts her really sucks. Somehow it makes me wanna be un-gay, or dump my man. But when I get to that point, I just think "what? Am I really gonna make my mom my best friend and my soul mate? "

These last few days has been really tough in terms of my feelings towards bf. And these moments do not make it any easier.

Dinner Sabotage!

During Dirk's surprise birthday party, Felia mentioned that she wanted to meet my mom and have dinner with her and Miran. Miran told me later that night that she wanted just the four of us to be having the dinner. In other words, without Dirk.

I should have picked up a hint at that moment.

But I didnt.

During an awful day long discussion with my mom about all the things wrong with the world, she told me that the last time Miran, Dirk, herself and I had dinner, Miran tried to mention something negative about Dirk. My mom didn't want to bad-mouth anyone right in front of them, regardless of a language barrier. So having this dinner without Dirk should have rang a bell.

But it didn't.

So I guess I have to say I wasn't THAT surprised with what ended up being a dinner intervention/sabotage. It angered me, the content verbatim isn't important. But essentially its a open discussion to diss Dirk in a backhanded way. I was polite, and offered tea. When my mom couldn't hear what Miran said because the restaurant was so loud, I was able to repeat " she said let's hope the relationship doesn't last long for my sake.'

I am frustrated, I know where Miran is coming from, and I know when I thought her girlfriend choice wasn't wise, after she made her decision, I supported her. What I didn't do was invite her parents out and discuss how she being a lesbian is bad despite my own issues around it.

But all all, I do appreciate her trying to get along with Dirk. So I guess I can't have it all. And that is that.

Floral...

call it spring/summer, call it me trying to cheer myself up... but i am really starting to dig floral and colourful things, really anything. . . i went as far as making my own floral wallpaper, stealing pictures without asking over flickr and deviantart

watched the last top model this cycle and jaslene or whatever her face won. . . woopie . . . not, i like natasha more, but i know jas is prettier and more worthy, but i still like natasha more.

Drag and Crazy together at last

Going to bubble tea with peter and them was sorta awful, realizing (thanks to walter's brilliance) i find that his group probably find time to diss my friend (gay asian) and its helping walter build a stronger bond with the group. its so ridiculous i dont even know how to deal with it
i mean we all trash talk others whenever, but something about it annoyed it, be it the fact that everyone in peters group is catering to peter's ego and opinions, or the fact that walter is using other people's annoying-ness to shadow his own, or just the fact that i didnt say anything about it, it annoyed me.

Anyways, happy thoughts, happy S/S 07 floral...

galliano s/s 07

mcqueen s/s 07

laurent s/s 07

Unofficial 5 Year High School Reunion

just today i was eating at mcdonlads with dirk, and i got a bunch of black pepper packets and told him to start opening them and pour them into the nugget sauces. I told him Terry used to do that for me all the time. And then I said 'I miss high school.'

Funny enough, that night in draping class, i got a call from Adam and he told me that terry is back in town and that they are meeting tonight. So off i went, ditching all responsibilities with dirk. There were a few of us. Ron, Mike Man, Adam, me , terry, and alvin law. i would have preferred just ron adam me and terry, the grade 8 4 of us. but it was nice. I guess we all didn't change too much... and it was nice, we chatted about old times. And we watched reno 911 and ate chips. it was so high school.

when everyone was leaving, i caught adam and terry alone and we stood in the wind next to our cars, and chatted on our own. It was REALLY nice. we took some pictures. and I drove off, for once thinking about something that is gone but not actually sad about it, but able to smile and look back. Deep inside there is a sore spot, but overall, a smile seeped out. I don't know when the 3 of us will get to talk again. But it kicked ass.

desperately

Craigslists' strictly platonic site has always caught my interest when i am bored as hell, reluctant to draw, sew, or drape, I am desperately looking at how others are desperately trying to make a connection.

That said, I have used the service, mostly replying, and once in a while posting. you have to wonder though, just walk out into the streets of Vancouver, and there s people everywhere, who are these people? people just like me that are out there seeking connections, and blatantly out loud online but are too shy to talk with anyone in a coffee shop, bus stop, or grocery line up?

anyways, i have been thinking lately about friends and the lack of it. Seeing how peter didnt share my opinion, or rather he would want to withheld his opinion of his so call friend fat fat now, i felt alone about the issue, as if i was over-sensitive. anyways surprised at the lack of people i can turn to to talk about this situation because me and miran didnt resolve our issue quite just yet, i realize i have this dream slash expectation of having friends that are always there, and you can always talk when you need to.

Dirk said its really a fantasy. I like to think i act that way since i am a pretty big follower for 'do one as you would like to be treated' but i would like to have a mirror image of a friend, just to know what kind of person i really am to my friends

fat fat is an ungrateful little asshole...

god how will i regret this post, but walter was truly being an ingrate today. . .

peter and i are going out again, and for a moment, I couldnt remember why i hated walter so much. . . of course he had to remind me.

After the photo shoot i had over the weekend, walter came over to dirks place to hang out with miran before we head off to dinner. . .

it was a pretty bad day to begin with and having walter there was a pain enough, dirk and i were fighting, me and miran were fighting, it just wasnt pretty. and walter, as oblivious as a fetus, just hung around . . . miran completely ignored him and i kept his company . .

then at dinner, at moxies, dirk's front house manager gave everyone their free meals (minus app-y platter and drinks) and dirk insisted on giving them an extra large tip, which was a little big, but given the amount that was discounted, it was really great anyways . .

but 3 days later, at bubble tea, peter mentioned about the dinner thing and appearently, walter said that him and celia were complaining afterwards how the meal would have been just as normally priced. . . and he was seriously complaining.

devastated, i only made crappy attacks, he complained about the food, i said you said you liked it then. . . and it was lame and futile, i wish i was calm enough to just say ' well, i will make sure you never get another free meal again' because seriously thats what it comes down to, and if i want to be a little bit worst, i would just say 'you know walter, with you being so pleasant lately, i forgot why you were an annoying little bitch, but now i remember, you just can't be liked for too long can you?'

o the spirit of the stairway ...

reply to Peter ver 1.

its pretty angry, probably cuz i wrote it before screaming my head off
__________________________________________________

hey,

so i guess i am a little confused with the letter, because on one hand it feels like its saying that you know we should try to keep in touch and that we just havent been able to do so. I do appreciate you admitting to the fact that you haven't spent much effort in trying to get together as well. Although it does feel like there is optimism in the letter, such that we will probably see each other more this summer, you kind of mentioned reasons to why you wouldnt want to hang out with me particularly as well. . .

so i guess i am not too sure if the reason for us not getting together is because these things bother you, or just that you havent put too much effort in meeting up. Or worst yet, but probably most likely, is the fact that along with no drive to call me out plus these things that bug you, it really makes it unlikely that you would ask me out. . .

so i guess i do have to clarify a few of the points you made...

in regards to me showing up late or leaving early, well i think if you look back, i honestly havent been late the last few times we went out, in fact, we really only went out a few times this year, and i arrive quite on time at the location. Think fountain head when i met your friends, me and dirk picked you and walter up, or when we went to watch dead silence i was at walters before you were. and to be honest, i dont even remember the time before that we hung out. . . regardless, yes i do sometimes leave early, but i think you can understand that sometimes i cannot hang out for the whole day. but it doesnt mean i don't want to hang out. I mean the fact that i am calling you all the time is because i want to hang out. i just dont understand why it needs to be all or nothing. and if i am to hang out with you only out of obligation, then i wouldnt try as hard as i do now, actually, going out with you makes me feel like you are going only out of obligation since you never actually call me, which actually makes it seem like you rather not go out with me, and not the other way around.

and in regards to you wanting to tell me just be who i am and not 'pretend' to be another person when i am with others. I think that is kind of convoluted in its statement. because like you said its always been something that bugged you. It isnt really a new thing i adapted. and quite honestly, how can it not be me when i am the one doing it? i mean if that is the reason you are limiting your exposure to me, i dont understand why are you hanging out with walter all the time. i am trying to talk shit about walter, not in the least, but calling a spade a spade, you have to acknowledge what i am saying. we all act differently with people, i mean you of all people should know i have a pretty big personality, and its not exactly easy to take it all in sometimes. Just like when you are around someone that doesnt like talking about sex, then you dont talk about sex so you dont offend them.

i am sorry to hear that you have adjusted quite nicely into your new niche, but at the same time i have to be happy for you. I just always thought we both invested heavily into this friendship and it meant more than giving it up when you feel lazy or unmotivated. summer is here and the holiday is among us, we both have a lot more free time but if you want a friendship to continue, shouldnt we be both putting efforts in it?

Top of my lungs

i got home last night early so i can talk to dirk about his visit at the hospital. . .
and he got mad at me for calling him on the water spilling in the back of my car, cuz he said it probably wouldnt spill but it did and he got really annoyed that i called him on it . . .

anyways, i was so exhausted i didnt talk with about it last night and he went straight to bed.

he couldnt sleep thou, so at 5 in the morning, i am screaming at the top of my lungs, voice going raspy

hmm a thought just came to me. . . maybe, maybe i am just not ready. i told celia she shouldnt date till august because she should have this summer to find herself. . .

maybe i need this more than she does...

Emergency

The surgery went much better than expected, and the next day, it was no-work for dirk, and driving to surrey for steven.

Sitting at the no-smoking courtyard in the hospital dirk’s mom is in, I shied away from the his mom’s bedroom when dirk’s eldest sister, Margaret, arrived. I thought it was a good time for some family time. And if I am not mistaken, Margaret is the sister that Dirk believes to have molested him when he was a little boy.

Never confronted, but still talked about this accusation dirk has with me, I think it would have been interesting to see the exchange Dirk and Margaret will have. But here I am, typing in a courtyard, thinking about what family bonds and relationship bonds.

Dirks been on my nerves over the last day. With his mother in the hospital, he has become quite a turmoil, and though I completely understand, it was a little bit hard on myself. Now I am not saying that I expect him to be at my feet every moment during this time. Its just that I almost feel like he is taking me for granted in some ways. When he called the list of numbers he needed to contact regarding getting out of work today, he really was avoiding me. That night in bed, I laid there thinking, what I can’t remember. But I couldn’t sleep. So I decided to sleep at the other end of the bed, something that used to help.

It worked until dirks foot kicked me in the face.

And unfortunately, I didn’t do a true carrie style punch to his face. I just fell right back asleep. The next morning I was woken up by dirks blabbering on the cell phone. Although he was nice enough to talk behind closed doors on the shitter, he really could’ve just talked upstairs. But anyways, that annoyed me some more. Then he didn’t go back to bed and I was up in an hour. Up and prepared to drive him to Surrey. It was okay, but I wished he just said thanks somewhere for being there.

I know some day I will look back and roll at how immature I all am right now. Which is kind of odd, I guess i always thought of myself as mature. Maybe I just put myself in mature situations and act immaturely that’s all.

Dirk’s family will show up soon. Can’t wait.

Miran's Birthday

not feeling particular useful today

miran had a surprise party and i co-planned the party. it was pretty good but i was sick during most of the planning and was still sick during the party. I was dazed and confused and created moments where i behaved less than preferred, they werent particularly bad behaviours, rather its things that will make ppl think of me in ways that i would not prefer. . . which i do take part in trying to control

things were like: me asking for the 2 dollar change i was suppose to get back for a 38 dollar meal when i paid 40 and the rest of the table didnt ask for it . . .

- or -

me offering to split the money of the cake in front of miran

- or -

me nagging dirk to go to london again with me... and having miran to tell me shut up and hearing dirk say an strong 'no'

not feeling particularly useful but feeling particularly bitter

dirk's mom had some kind of gout and it became some kind of infection, and that later spread to her hip and now they had to do surgery. . .
dirk is worried but logical, in the sense that he didnt rushed to the hospital to see his mom, rather his reasoning was that since they have to operate on her, he wont see her anyways

whereas i would have ran there anyways, regardless of the situation.

that said, it doesnt meant he worries less than me. you could tell he was worried, but thats just how he behaves, and i guess i will

not feeling particularly useful but feeling particularly confrontational

i emailed peter this email:

Hey,

Its thursday night and i am sooo sick i like puked 3 times cuz i have this flu. . . anyways ive decided to write this little email to you. I guess its stuff that I would much rather say in person but it just doesn’t seem like I will get the opportunity to do so.

So I am writing this email. . .

I guess I just feel like we don’t really get a chance to talk much anymore. I know that I wasn’t really available during the last six months, and going out once every month or so might not be the best way to stay in touch. But i would think you know how school is. It completely insane and I think we still managed to hang out once in a while. I am much more available now and I know that doesn’t mean you should include me in your activities. I know you have made new friends from Kwantlen and I think that’s great. I do also feel that you don’t really want to include me into that part of your life. I think I have tried pretty hard to go out with you and your friends. But it is clear that you don’t really want to include me as a part of your new life since I don’t think you have called me ever in the last month or two. And it sucks and it doesn’t feel the best, especially when this is happening from a close friend.

And I guess the point of the email is just for you to know how I feel about all of this. I know stuff happens to you and if I don’t call I would never find out about it. I know issues that were old seems much less important after it has happened and that’s why I often don’t get to hear about it from you. It may make us feel more distant and I think its awful. I do try to keep in touch and call you every so often. But I think you need to know that it makes me feel insignificant when I am constantly the one calling and trying to catch a chance to go out with you. It is something I do as a friend to a friend.

Anyways, if I am completely off the mark to why we haven’t went out or you haven’t contacted me lately, do let me know. Because I would much rather find out whats bugging you then having to guess and wonder all the time.

and he wrote back:

Hi,

I'm sorry to  hear that you're sick. I hope you get better soon.

You're not wrong in feeling us growing distant. I feel that too. And 
you're right; school, and probably life in general, doesn't always 
allow us to have time to hang out and do stuff. I also know that you 
do what you can to stay in touch even through all the craziness. I 
think that's very nice of you to do, on many levels. And I will admit 
that I haven't spent much effort in trying to get together.

It's not that I don't want to hang out with you or include you in my 
activities. It's just that a lot of times even when you're with us, 
you're not completely there. You would either have to arrive late, or 
leave early, or be away in between. And you're either talking or 
typing away at your phone: an impression people give off when they 
have somewhere else better to be. I don't know how your other friends 
feel about that, or if you do that to your other friends, but I don't 
want to feel like you're hanging out with me out of obligation.

Another thing is you act quite differently when you're with different 
people. And I guess that's always been something that bugs me about 
you. I think I've come to think of it not so much as a bad thing. 
Sometimes I wish I could get along with everybody and share their 
interests, but I just don't think that's possible, at least not for 
me. I haven't told you this because I don't know what I hope to 
achieve by telling you. I want to tell you to just be yourself, but 
who am I to judge who you really are?

So I've decided that while it is not my place to tell you who you are 
or what you should do, I can limit my exposure to you when you're 
with someone you feel like you need to act differently in front of.

I value your friendship to me. And I feel sad that we've grown apart 
in the last year, or so. To be honest, I didn't say anything because 
I've adjusted, and I'm lazy. And now that the holiday's started, I'm 
sure we'll get more chances to hang out. Thanks for letting me know 
how you feel. This is how I feel, or as closely as I can get it to be.

Peter

well its my turn to reply, and i am thinking about how to respond, i dont think he was mean or anything, but there is indications me having problem behaviours, i know he admitted to his too, which is nice, hence the fine balance of tone for the next email needs to be established.

i wish i dont obsess

Radiant Life

It was a pretty good movie, it made me realize how much brainless movie i have been consuming over the last year.

The movie showed a lot of folks, in a sense, fell into this suburban trap. They are married, with or planning to be with child or children. And this poster perfect image didnt translate into their lives. They have to drive 2 hrs just to get to work, no one knows anyone, kids can't walk anywhere, only to wonder aimlessly from soccer practice to karate practice. . .

Many seems to be aware of the horrid situation but is unable to find a better alternative, as alternative is to live in the city but under subsidized housing.

While watching the individuals go through a helpless turmoil, there were a few quotes that really resonated with me. it was something like,

• as we are caught in this spot that we dug for ourselves, we wonder if this is what we really have wanted and is this the life you want to live
  
• sometimes i get these great ideas when i am driving, but when i get home, something happens, the kids are in a crisis or there is dinner to prepare and then i forget what the idea even was. life seems to get in the way a lot.

and it worries me that we are all out there chasing our dreams, me included and god, i really just wonder if this is what i really want. What is this happiness i am chasing? Do i even understand what makes me happy?

And i thought, there are just those thoughts you have to acknowledge and then ignore before it eats you up inside.

A Friday

So it was friday the thirteenth and it wasnt a bad day. But with 4 months of free time up in my face, everyone's comment to me was either 'i hate you' for the fact that i have no finals and am about to graduate ( or maybe its just a i hate you period?) or 'what you gonna do now?'

i never thought of myself as a unemployed graduate, but because of my so called passion in fashion, i didn't apply for any marketing jobs during the hiring fair for all the big firms during october, i am now browsing through jobs, hoping to land a sales job at holt renfrew. . .

there are those who make it and those who dont. . . i for one would like to see myself as a little lost and am only on a simple detour.

so spending some fabulous i-am-done-school-and-have-no-job-time with danette, we went to:


ok so its trashy and we can smoke in there, so its awesome regardless, AND AND!! they have ipod nano nights! its finally time to win my ipod!!

Project Runway Canada emailed me, and then called me to let me know about their extended deadline. This leads to me think two things:

1. that my portfolio is actually close to getting accepted but they just want to see more of what i have made (which is nothing)

2. that they are REALLY low on applicants and need to get more

so i am thinking maybe i will need to sew up a storm some time between now and the 25th of april so i can take a freaking picture of it . . just one picture. countless hours. . . oh fashion.

Future Destination Driving Forward Falling Backwards

Lately an old idea has been popping back in my mind a lot today. Well, its not really popping in my mind so much as people saying things that make me think of them (by them I mean those thoughts).

What I mean is that . . I was in class last week, and the gay asian guy was like flamingly trying to describe how much fun he was having at Celebrities last week. At the mention that I went clubbing too, they verbalized how I didn't appear to be the 'clubbing type', i know that Hongers are very different in their opinions about what is considered good and bad. . . but it made me wonder, what type of person do I represent myself to be? Cuz I never thought I radiated a 'I dont go clubbing' energy. And although I do care about whether I get invited to places for things or not, I am more concerned with what other messages am I sending to the world about me?

More importantly, if everyone thinks you are something, does it make you that thing? Do you know yourself better than others? Or are you just kidding yourself? Who is ultimately correct?

Oh a side note: I love spaghetti heinz with winnie the pooh pastas!!

Like ... Totally Awesome?

SUCH SUCH A good movie... if you like that . . . sorta..... thing.

Visual Art Natural Intervention Assignment

we were to change an environment to provoke thoughts and questions about our physical space intellectually and physically:

other people's:









Ours:

Inspiring

new spot

I think I found my new spot.

Somewhere tucked away on 4th, between Duthie Books and Capers, there is a tiny courtyard that leads to the Spectus Eyewear and other stores upstairs. On a sunny day like today, I think it’s the perfect place for me to comprehend a heavy topic such as my future. With an hour and a half in the meter, I have paid the small fee for undisturbed moments for me to contemplate.

It was odd to take a laptop out in a courtyard. But it must be done, as pretentious as it may seem. You have to wonder what ppl think when I take the laptop out. Despite all the reasons, I am here because the silence at home and the feeling of isolation – isolation is almost deafening. I much prefer the together – alone situation, as cold as the courtyard feels.

Letter from Rejection

Its been a month since I ran across downtown, while up for 28 hours finishing my portfolio for University of Westminster’s fashion design program. Feeling edgy and tired of seeing the stupid ucas tracker telling me that it is being evaluated, I wrote them an email:

Dear Nila,

How are you doing? I hope it is not as busy now!

I haven't heard from you in a while and I just thought I touch base with you. I am just wondering in regards to my application to the Fashion Design program, how will I be notified of the results?

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to assist the evaluation process.

Best regards,

Steven

And to my dismay, she responded quite quickly:

Dear Steven



Thank you, for your email. I was away last few days, I have know got the results from the tutor, & I am sorry to inform you that your application has been unsuccessful . You need to improve on your drawing and research skills at degree level.



Best Wishes.



Regards

Nila Gandhi

I hate it when the best wishes its like pity wishes. Although I was sorta glad that basically helped me choose Central St. Martins without having to think anymore about it, it at the same time confirmed the idea that I got accepted as a fluke.

Again I feel like a fraud and the feeling of rejection washes over me. These emotions, when I read it, it never mounts to anything. But when you feel it, clichés just pop off your mouth like swear words outta a trucker’s mouth.

Fearing rejection, I almost don’t want to apply for Project Runway Canada anymore. Knowing that it will only lead to embarrassment and rejection, I wonder why I wanted to apply in the first place. Guess it is about fame? I hope Andy Warhol is right. I am just waiting for my 15 seconds.

2nd Anniverserary

Dirk and I are still together, though he is hardly sure if he wants to go to London with me. It was our second yr anniversary and it so happened to be on the same day that he had his staff party dinner – big trouble.

The event basically unfolded after a nice dinner where movie was canceled because of the party. And Dirk enjoyed himself while I sat secretly in the backdoor stairway wondering how come I cannot relate to anybody around anywhere?

Regardless to say, I tried hard to avoid making Dirk feel bad, I gave myself 500000 reasons for not snapping at him. I wanted to be able to talk with him without the influence of alcohol, I wanted to be reasonable, I wanted to be happy for him to enjoy himself at his company dinner. Why must I be so selfish? That I feel like we should only be spending the time within each other’s glaze and embrace? Why should I feel pangs of jealousy when he is making along with his co-workers? All part from the fact that it was our second anniversary. I tried to stay in bed, lying next to him. Him who knows I am upset, and tried hard to make me feel better, in futile attempts of putting his hand around me. And eventually giving up and rolling to the other side of the bed.

I didn’t know whether it was the fact that his daughter who is not even 18 was drinking along side with us, or the fact that he didn’t help clean up when all the other managers were, but somewhere deep inside, I wonder what I was missing between us so hard anyways.

the fight

Not sure what I am doing, but this is a moment where Dirk is talking to global4immigration. Which is a immigration company that specialize in helping ppl in hospitality industry in finding a job. Now that he has told them his record history, I am pissing my pants. After we fought before he called, after I told him what to do and then told him what he did was wrong. He called in frustration. These days I don’t know what to do because I know I am schizophrenic enough in my decisions, to involve this type of thinking with him is only torture. Despite me wanting to go find other things to do, like promote my blog of words, or look at avril’s wedding pics on youtube, I find myself back here, with the speakers on full blast so I can’t hear anything. I feel so out of control and I know OCD ppl hates that.

Given that I had OCD and only a mild form now, I am hating this. The music hurt my ear drums with the earphones so close to the drums. But I fear every moment one song ends because that would be a brief silence, a break for the singers, and a moment to make my heart skip a beat. And for those split second I would hear one or two words from Dirk. I’d try my best to identify the tone and its emotions. I kept on wanting the phone call to end to know what happens, but the longer they talk, I know, the better. Because they haven’t rejected him and if they don’t think he is worthy of talking and wasting all these time, then they wouldn’t talk to him.

Then I get paranoid and think that maybe hes just sitting there in sadness over the horrid news. But then the song ends and my heart jumps beats again.

Then one of the song ended, and it was silence, and I wondered if it was done. And dirk said, “steve, done”

* * *

its been nearly 24 hours since the entry above, and although that conversation didn’t decide the faith of our relationship, something else did. Just another fight, but this time on the topic of moving to London. I knew I pushed too hard and I do regret it. And that’s what drove all of this to hell. But in all honestly, leaving it to him might have just resulted in the same thing in a later date, when we find out we wouldn’t go to London together. That will only bring on the blame game. Irregardless, I am sitting at my house, wondering what to do with all these extra time. Its amazing how everything feels so empty and when you are talking near the end of a breakup, I forgot how nothing makes sense and everything that comes out of your mouth is from emotions, and the brain did NOT have time to stop your stupid trap. I know these moments pass and eating with miran, she told me it will get better. And I know it does, as with most things. And that’s great. In the meantime, this is how I feel.

the fight

Not sure what I am doing, but this is a moment where Dirk is talking to global4immigration. Which is a immigration company that specialize in helping ppl in hospitality industry in finding a job. Now that he has told them his record history, I am pissing my pants. After we fought before he called, after I told him what to do and then told him what he did was wrong. He called in frustration. These days I don’t know what to do because I know I am schizophrenic enough in my decisions, to involve this type of thinking with him is only torture. Despite me wanting to go find other things to do, like promote my blog of words, or look at avril’s wedding pics on youtube, I find myself back here, with the speakers on full blast so I can’t hear anything. I feel so out of control and I know OCD ppl hates that.

Given that I had OCD and only a mild form now, I am hating this. The music hurt my ear drums with the earphones so close to the drums. But I fear every moment one song ends because that would be a brief silence, a break for the singers, and a moment to make my heart skip a beat. And for those split second I would hear one or two words from Dirk. I’d try my best to identify the tone and its emotions. I kept on wanting the phone call to end to know what happens, but the longer they talk, I know, the better. Because they haven’t rejected him and if they don’t think he is worthy of talking and wasting all these time, then they wouldn’t talk to him.

Then I get paranoid and think that maybe hes just sitting there in sadness over the horrid news. But then the song ends and my heart jumps beats again.

Then one of the song ended, and it was silence, and I wondered if it was done. And dirk said, “steve, done”

* * *

its been nearly 24 hours since the entry above, and although that conversation didn’t decide the faith of our relationship, something else did. Just another fight, but this time on the topic of moving to London. I knew I pushed too hard and I do regret it. And that’s what drove all of this to hell. But in all honestly, leaving it to him might have just resulted in the same thing in a later date, when we find out we wouldn’t go to London together. That will only bring on the blame game. Irregardless, I am sitting at my house, wondering what to do with all these extra time. Its amazing how everything feels so empty and when you are talking near the end of a breakup, I forgot how nothing makes sense and everything that comes out of your mouth is from emotions, and the brain did NOT have time to stop your stupid trap. I know these moments pass and eating with miran, she told me it will get better. And I know it does, as with most things. And that’s great. In the meantime, this is how I feel.

scared

Not sure what I am doing, but this is a moment where Dirk is talking to global4immigration. Which is a immigration company that specialize in helping ppl in hospitality industry in finding a job. Now that he has told them his record history, I am pissing my pants. After we fought before he called, after I told him what to do and then told him what he did was wrong. He called in frustration. These days I don’t know what to do because I know I am schizophrenic enough in my decisions, to involve this type of thinking with him is only torture. Despite me wanting to go find other things to do, like promote my blog of words, or look at avril’s wedding pics on youtube, I find myself back here, with the speakers on full blast so I can’t hear anything. I feel so out of control and I know OCD ppl hates that.

Given that I had OCD and only a mild form now, I am hating this. The music hurt my ear drums with the earphones so close to the drums. But I fear every moment one song ends because that would be a brief silence, a break for the singers, and a moment to make my heart skip a beat. And for those split second I would hear one or two words from Dirk. I’d try my best to identify the tone and its emotions. I kept on wanting the phone call to end to know what happens, but the longer they talk, I know, the better. Because they haven’t rejected him and if they don’t think he is worthy of talking and wasting all these time, then they wouldn’t talk to him.

Then I get paranoid and think that maybe hes just sitting there in sadness over the horrid news. But then the song ends and my heart jumps beats again.

Then one of the song ended, and it was silence, and I wondered if it was done. And dirk said, “steve, done”

Life Directions

Visiting Celia over the weekend to pick up the sewing machine. I came in to take a look at her graduation photos and help pick out which ones she should purchase. Looking at the graduation pictures, we talked about what she was going to do after her graduation.

Celia had a rich enough family so she wasn’t forced to work through university. But she did have part time jobs that were unrelated to her degree in economics. Economics to Asians was the anthropology of the whites, the fall back degree where their parents wont be so upset about.

Not knowing where her passion lies, Celia picked up a mail from Blanche McDonalds and mentioned how they had a hair program.

“For you?” I asked, “as a career?”
“No just for myself for fun,” she said.
“People do those programs for getting jobs, Celia,”
“I know…”

We went over her list of choices, she suggested working for a financial company and taking the place of a friend who is going back to HK, she also talked about being a model, for fun, toy designing, entrepreneur, and I suggested her potential in public relations.

Its amazing to think that at this point, at 22, we are to by now know what we want to do. And I kept thinking, as I was driving home, do I know what I want to do? Maybe I am just pretending to know what I want. And I know I ask this all the time, but does it get answered all the time? Hell no.

Friends

Your friends’ other lives. Do you know if your friends are cheating on you?

The Chase

Everyone in downtown has a dog because 1. It makes being alone less lonely, and 2. Using it as a guy/girl magnet will make you not lonely anymore. Today was one of those days I wished I had a dog.

Peter was being an ass again. His text message felt sarcastic and insincere, mocking and disguised as replies to my desperate calls for us to go out. Or I am just overlooking every word, but I know, I know.

Sitting at the usual Blenz, I turned on MSN to try and reconnect to the world outside of portfolio and snobby fashion bitches. I did and I talked with Terry, it was great playing catch up and it made me feel less disconnected. But I know, and I feel like one of those guys stuck in the past, reliving the days of endless video games and pointless hanging outs. I felt like as if I should be living in my basement of my parents’ house, scratching my belly and kicking empty beer cans, exclaiming over the newest game out on PS3. Calling my buddies to play first person shooters and call each other fags. Turn off the games and the phones and jerk off to porn till 5 in the morning.

Those days are gone and instead are replaced by ambition, fear of self-loathing, and searches for the one. But I can’t help but think, if I feel this way, yet I am still just the ‘regular guy’ at the coffee shop, typing into his laptop, there must be others out there disguised just as well as I am, if not better. They can be successful businessmen, gym bunnies, or that barista. Then another thought came to me, what if we all feel somewhat like how I feel, what if all these ambition, these searching, are just to find that person who we can feel like how we used to again?

Are we seeking our past with our future?

Tears and Saturdays

I think its always nice and awkward when a friend calls and they end up or already are, crying. It makes you feel special, or at least makes you wonder, how many people can they decide to call during their weak and teary moments? Mind you, it hasn’t happened to me for a long time now. And that makes me question my relationship with many, its still interesting for me to consider the occasion. To open up to someone and show this vulnerable side, it takes a trusting relationship. To be honest I have never seen Dirk cry either. I wonder if he could.

Regardless, its Saturday, and I am at Blenz typing away. With an average looking man next to me. At first I was somewhat bothered at the loneliness, a common struggle on the weekends, but then I remember what Carrie says about her Saturdays, “it was a care free and uneventful Saturday, 3 cups of latte and 2 fashion magazines later…” and that didn’t make me feel so bad. Because she is fabulous, and so am I.

Its so close, the nearing of the portfolio, I can’t help but procrastinate. I am stuck listening to 13 senses – into the fire and that’s all I can do. So while I am doing it, I can only type. There isn’t anywhere I want to surf on the web, not even style.com. Its like I am completely fashion overloaded, its really a test to see if you love it that much I suppose. One of these days when I look back I would have so much direction, so fully aware of what I am doing, and either shake my head in approval, or shook it in response to my ignorance in my self. I better find out soon, who I am really am suppose to be. I feel like I will be wasting my time otherwise.

People used to always say that about me, how I have so much direction, how I knew I wanted to go into commerce, or be a psychologist, or a teacher. All I ever did was change what I wanted to do, and made it convincing enough for others, and me to believe it. Now that I have a commerce degree, and a psych minor, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. Maybe it’s the expectation, I expected it to be awful, and it was. And now I think I can do this forever. Maybe I was meant for commerce.

I hate how this feels like the end of high school, except there is even less directions now. So I am working, really hard for what I think I want, but should I stop and think if this is what I want? Or should we just stop thinking, and start acting?

Friends of Foes?

One week left until I am done my portfolio, so I have said to myself before. I wonder if I will be able to get my life back to where it was. Wherever it was because I can’t remember how I got here. And without knowing my steps, how can I ever retrace it back to where I was? Who were my friend friends? Who were my acquaintances? It all seems so long ago, I feel like I had amnesia. Who did I like but only teased with my mean comments? And who did I hate that I put up such a nice front to? With all these disguises, I guess it comes obvious as to how I can’t find my way back, maybe I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing.