Saturday, June 02, 2007

letter to dirk


This is a letter to tell as it is and a venue for me to fully express my concerns and feelings without having to cause a sore throat. I must ask of you to not do your usual regress-and-hide-in-corner-paralyzed-unable-to-do-anything-or-function-in-any-way routine. It is hard as it is to express these emotions, let alone having a horrible response that facilitates no communication whatsoever. I am not looking to end my letter having to make you feel better, or making sure you are okay. In all honesty, I feel as if I have been enabling you to behave this way, allowing you shirk from responsibilities and emotions. Instead of dealing with them, you fill your moments with distractions: movies, pills, food, whatever. And it is just a lot of bad coping mechanisms that I haven’t seen any improvements on.

With the recent events, I feel extremely difficult to rely on you. This ‘memory issue’ needs to be addressed, not half heartedly, but pursuit with full force. This is not the first time you have used this reason, and it is getting to ridiculous. It is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card you can throw in my face and expect everything to be better.

I am split down the middle in terms of my trust with you. On a deep deep level, I think you wouldn’t cheat on me, and I suppose that is some trust. But events like this are not the first time, nor the second or third time this has happened. Through previous times I know you have lied to me in my face before. And with thoughts like that, I don’t feel like I can trust you. These events have made it hard for me to feel comfortable to rely on you. This is awful because it will put more than just strain on the relationship once we move overseas.

I am frustrated at you. You have a history of making bad decisions. Things you do sometimes are just not well thought out. This whole squirt thing is a perfect example. Worst yet, and this is a revisit of an old issue, you are again crippled with bad feelings.

The text messages you have sent me, ‘have I completely lost you?’, ‘if so I understand’? That’s it? You understand? You will just let me go cuz you understand? Dirk I know I am a hopeless romantic, and I do have movie like fantasies and expectations. You think those things only exist in movies, but if you act out these things, then they are instantly a reality. You don’t fight for these things, it doesn’t mean you don’t care, but you don’t fight for it either. Instead you are wounded and helpless. Well that is bullshit, no one is coming to comfort you when you pissed away at the one who cares for you. You don’t go fighting back for their love or redeem yourself in some way, no one is going to be that much of a doormat.

Yesterday demonstrated this. I knew you couldn’t sleep, I know you would be distraught by what happened. You could’ve wrote me an email, something to try to make up for what you have done. In my mind, it is a perfect time for a grad gesture. Which is what I want Dirk, a grand gesture. Seems like you don’t believe in them. I do. You could’ve been so wound up by the guilt of hurting me, come to the house, by bus or by taxi, and asked me to forgive you. Instead you took a sleeping pill and slept your worries away. How dare you to message me the next day saying ‘you understand?’ What I don’t understand is how little you have given for this. In all honesty, a grand gesture is what I need to feel better, but with this case, I don’t know if 1 you can ever think of any grand gesture 2 whether it would make things any better.

Our relationship has been very good lately. And it is times like these that all your shit spills out and are exposed. It is the same stuff Dirk. It hasn’t improved. It is like you had never had screw up and hurt people you love and actually won them back. I am so tired of winning myself back into the relationship. And it is so sad to watch you dwelt in your self pity and loathing. You are 43, please figure it out.


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