Monday, April 23, 2007

reply to Peter ver 1.

its pretty angry, probably cuz i wrote it before screaming my head off


so i guess i am a little confused with the letter, because on one hand it feels like its saying that you know we should try to keep in touch and that we just havent been able to do so. I do appreciate you admitting to the fact that you haven't spent much effort in trying to get together as well. Although it does feel like there is optimism in the letter, such that we will probably see each other more this summer, you kind of mentioned reasons to why you wouldnt want to hang out with me particularly as well. . .

so i guess i am not too sure if the reason for us not getting together is because these things bother you, or just that you havent put too much effort in meeting up. Or worst yet, but probably most likely, is the fact that along with no drive to call me out plus these things that bug you, it really makes it unlikely that you would ask me out. . .

so i guess i do have to clarify a few of the points you made...

in regards to me showing up late or leaving early, well i think if you look back, i honestly havent been late the last few times we went out, in fact, we really only went out a few times this year, and i arrive quite on time at the location. Think fountain head when i met your friends, me and dirk picked you and walter up, or when we went to watch dead silence i was at walters before you were. and to be honest, i dont even remember the time before that we hung out. . . regardless, yes i do sometimes leave early, but i think you can understand that sometimes i cannot hang out for the whole day. but it doesnt mean i don't want to hang out. I mean the fact that i am calling you all the time is because i want to hang out. i just dont understand why it needs to be all or nothing. and if i am to hang out with you only out of obligation, then i wouldnt try as hard as i do now, actually, going out with you makes me feel like you are going only out of obligation since you never actually call me, which actually makes it seem like you rather not go out with me, and not the other way around.

and in regards to you wanting to tell me just be who i am and not 'pretend' to be another person when i am with others. I think that is kind of convoluted in its statement. because like you said its always been something that bugged you. It isnt really a new thing i adapted. and quite honestly, how can it not be me when i am the one doing it? i mean if that is the reason you are limiting your exposure to me, i dont understand why are you hanging out with walter all the time. i am trying to talk shit about walter, not in the least, but calling a spade a spade, you have to acknowledge what i am saying. we all act differently with people, i mean you of all people should know i have a pretty big personality, and its not exactly easy to take it all in sometimes. Just like when you are around someone that doesnt like talking about sex, then you dont talk about sex so you dont offend them.

i am sorry to hear that you have adjusted quite nicely into your new niche, but at the same time i have to be happy for you. I just always thought we both invested heavily into this friendship and it meant more than giving it up when you feel lazy or unmotivated. summer is here and the holiday is among us, we both have a lot more free time but if you want a friendship to continue, shouldnt we be both putting efforts in it?

Top of my lungs

i got home last night early so i can talk to dirk about his visit at the hospital. . .
and he got mad at me for calling him on the water spilling in the back of my car, cuz he said it probably wouldnt spill but it did and he got really annoyed that i called him on it . . .

anyways, i was so exhausted i didnt talk with about it last night and he went straight to bed.

he couldnt sleep thou, so at 5 in the morning, i am screaming at the top of my lungs, voice going raspy

hmm a thought just came to me. . . maybe, maybe i am just not ready. i told celia she shouldnt date till august because she should have this summer to find herself. . .

maybe i need this more than she does...


The surgery went much better than expected, and the next day, it was no-work for dirk, and driving to surrey for steven.

Sitting at the no-smoking courtyard in the hospital dirk’s mom is in, I shied away from the his mom’s bedroom when dirk’s eldest sister, Margaret, arrived. I thought it was a good time for some family time. And if I am not mistaken, Margaret is the sister that Dirk believes to have molested him when he was a little boy.

Never confronted, but still talked about this accusation dirk has with me, I think it would have been interesting to see the exchange Dirk and Margaret will have. But here I am, typing in a courtyard, thinking about what family bonds and relationship bonds.

Dirks been on my nerves over the last day. With his mother in the hospital, he has become quite a turmoil, and though I completely understand, it was a little bit hard on myself. Now I am not saying that I expect him to be at my feet every moment during this time. Its just that I almost feel like he is taking me for granted in some ways. When he called the list of numbers he needed to contact regarding getting out of work today, he really was avoiding me. That night in bed, I laid there thinking, what I can’t remember. But I couldn’t sleep. So I decided to sleep at the other end of the bed, something that used to help.

It worked until dirks foot kicked me in the face.

And unfortunately, I didn’t do a true carrie style punch to his face. I just fell right back asleep. The next morning I was woken up by dirks blabbering on the cell phone. Although he was nice enough to talk behind closed doors on the shitter, he really could’ve just talked upstairs. But anyways, that annoyed me some more. Then he didn’t go back to bed and I was up in an hour. Up and prepared to drive him to Surrey. It was okay, but I wished he just said thanks somewhere for being there.

I know some day I will look back and roll at how immature I all am right now. Which is kind of odd, I guess i always thought of myself as mature. Maybe I just put myself in mature situations and act immaturely that’s all.

Dirk’s family will show up soon. Can’t wait.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Miran's Birthday

not feeling particular useful today

miran had a surprise party and i co-planned the party. it was pretty good but i was sick during most of the planning and was still sick during the party. I was dazed and confused and created moments where i behaved less than preferred, they werent particularly bad behaviours, rather its things that will make ppl think of me in ways that i would not prefer. . . which i do take part in trying to control

things were like: me asking for the 2 dollar change i was suppose to get back for a 38 dollar meal when i paid 40 and the rest of the table didnt ask for it . . .

- or -

me offering to split the money of the cake in front of miran

- or -

me nagging dirk to go to london again with me... and having miran to tell me shut up and hearing dirk say an strong 'no'

not feeling particularly useful but feeling particularly bitter

dirk's mom had some kind of gout and it became some kind of infection, and that later spread to her hip and now they had to do surgery. . .
dirk is worried but logical, in the sense that he didnt rushed to the hospital to see his mom, rather his reasoning was that since they have to operate on her, he wont see her anyways

whereas i would have ran there anyways, regardless of the situation.

that said, it doesnt meant he worries less than me. you could tell he was worried, but thats just how he behaves, and i guess i will

not feeling particularly useful but feeling particularly confrontational

emailed peter this email:


Its thursday night and i am sooo sick i like puked 3 times cuz i have this flu. . . anyways ive decided to write this little email to you. I guess its stuff that I would much rather say in person but it just doesn’t seem like I will get the opportunity to do so.

So I am writing this email. . .

I guess I just feel like we don’t really get a chance to talk much anymore. I know that I wasn’t really available during the last six months, and going out once every month or so might not be the best way to stay in touch. But i would think you know how school is. It completely insane and I think we still managed to hang out once in a while. I am much more available now and I know that doesn’t mean you should include me in your activities. I know you have made new friends from Kwantlen and I think that’s great. I do also feel that you don’t really want to include me into that part of your life. I think I have tried pretty hard to go out with you and your friends. But it is clear that you don’t really want to include me as a part of your new life since I don’t think you have called me ever in the last month or two. And it sucks and it doesn’t feel the best, especially when this is happening from a close friend.

And I guess the point of the email is just for you to know how I feel about all of this. I know stuff happens to you and if I don’t call I would never find out about it. I know issues that were old seems much less important after it has happened and that’s why I often don’t get to hear about it from you. It may make us feel more distant and I think its awful. I do try to keep in touch and call you every so often. But I think you need to know that it makes me feel insignificant when I am constantly the one calling and trying to catch a chance to go out with you. It is something I do as a friend to a friend.

Anyways, if I am completely off the mark to why we haven’t went out or you haven’t contacted me lately, do let me know. Because I would much rather find out whats bugging you then having to guess and wonder all the time.

and he wrote back:


I'm sorry to hear that you're sick. I hope you get better soon.

You're not wrong in feeling us growing distant. I feel that too. And
you're right; school, and probably life in general, doesn't always
allow us to have time to hang out and do stuff. I also know that you
do what you can to stay in touch even through all the craziness. I
think that's very nice of you to do, on many levels. And I will admit
that I haven't spent much effort in trying to get together.

It's not that I don't want to hang out with you or include you in my
activities. It's just that a lot of times even when you're with us,
you're not completely there. You would either have to arrive late, or
leave early, or be away in between. And you're either talking or
typing away at your phone: an impression people give off when they
have somewhere else better to be. I don't know how your other friends
feel about that, or if you do that to your other friends, but I don't
want to feel like you're hanging out with me out of obligation.

Another thing is you act quite differently when you're with different
people. And I guess that's always been something that bugs me about
you. I think I've come to think of it not so much as a bad thing.
Sometimes I wish I could get along with everybody and share their
interests, but I just don't think that's possible, at least not for
me. I haven't told you this because I don't know what I hope to
achieve by telling you. I want to tell you to just be yourself, but
who am I to judge who you really are?

So I've decided that while it is not my place to tell you who you are
or what you should do, I can limit my exposure to you when you're
with someone you feel like you need to act differently in front of.

I value your friendship to me. And I feel sad that we've grown apart
in the last year, or so. To be honest, I didn't say anything because
I've adjusted, and I'm lazy. And now that the holiday's started, I'm
sure we'll get more chances to hang out. Thanks for letting me know
how you feel. This is how I feel, or as closely as I can get it to be.


well its my turn to reply, and i am thinking about how to respond, i dont think he was mean or anything, but there is indications me having problem behaviours, i know he admitted to his too, which is nice, hence the fine balance of tone for the next email needs to be established.

i wish i dont obsess

Monday, April 16, 2007

Radiant Life

It was a pretty good movie, it made me realize how much brainless movie i have been consuming over the last year.

The movie showed a lot of folks, in a sense, fell into this suburban trap. They are married, with or planning to be with child or children. And this poster perfect image didnt translate into their lives. They have to drive 2 hrs just to get to work, no one knows anyone, kids can't walk anywhere, only to wonder aimlessly from soccer practice to karate practice. . .

Many seems to be aware of the horrid situation but is unable to find a better alternative, as alternative is to live in the city but under subsidized housing.

While watching the individuals go through a helpless turmoil, there were a few quotes that really resonated with me. it was something like,
  • as we are caught in this spot that we dug for ourselves, we wonder if this is what we really have wanted and is this the life you want to live
  • sometimes i get these great ideas when i am driving, but when i get home, something happens, the kids are in a crisis or there is dinner to prepare and then i forget what the idea even was. life seems to get in the way a lot.
and it worries me that we are all out there chasing our dreams, me included and god, i really just wonder if this is what i really want. What is this happiness i am chasing? Do i even understand what makes me happy?

And i thought, there are just those thoughts you have to acknowledge and then ignore before it eats you up inside.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

A Friday

So it was friday the thirteenth and it wasnt a bad day. But with 4 months of free time up in my face, everyone's comment to me was either 'i hate you' for the fact that i have no finals and am about to graduate ( or maybe its just a i hate you period?) or 'what you gonna do now?'

i never thought of myself as a unemployed graduate, but because of my so called passion in fashion, i didn't apply for any marketing jobs during the hiring fair for all the big firms during october, i am now browsing through jobs, hoping to land a sales job at holt renfrew. . .

there are those who make it and those who dont. . . i for one would like to see myself as a little lost and am only on a simple detour.

so spending some fabulous i-am-done-school-and-have-no-job-time with danette, we went to:

ok so its trashy and we can smoke in there, so its awesome regardless, AND AND!! they have ipod nano nights! its finally time to win my ipod!!

Project Runway Canada emailed me, and then called me to let me know about their extended deadline. This leads to me think two things:

1. that my portfolio is actually close to getting accepted but they just want to see more of what i have made (which is nothing)

2. that they are REALLY low on applicants and need to get more

so i am thinking maybe i will need to sew up a storm some time between now and the 25th of april so i can take a freaking picture of it . . just one picture. countless hours. . . oh fashion.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Future Destination Driving Forward Falling Backwards

Lately an old idea has been popping back in my mind a lot today. Well, its not really popping in my mind so much as people saying things that make me think of them (by them I mean those thoughts).

What I mean is that . . I was in class last week, and the gay asian guy was like flamingly trying to describe how much fun he was having at Celebrities last week. At the mention that I went clubbing too, they verbalized how I didn't appear to be the 'clubbing type', i know that Hongers are very different in their opinions about what is considered good and bad. . . but it made me wonder, what type of person do I represent myself to be? Cuz I never thought I radiated a 'I dont go clubbing' energy. And although I do care about whether I get invited to places for things or not, I am more concerned with what other messages am I sending to the world about me?

More importantly, if everyone thinks you are something, does it make you that thing? Do you know yourself better than others? Or are you just kidding yourself? Who is ultimately correct?

Oh a side note: I love spaghetti heinz with winnie the pooh pastas!!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Like ... Totally Awesome?

SUCH SUCH A good movie... if you like that . . . sorta..... thing.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Visual Art Natural Intervention Assignment

we were to change an environment to provoke thoughts and questions about our physical space intellectually and physically:

other people's:


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

new spot

I think I found my new spot.

Somewhere tucked away on 4th, between Duthie Books and Capers, there is a tiny courtyard that leads to the Spectus Eyewear and other stores upstairs. On a sunny day like today, I think it’s the perfect place for me to comprehend a heavy topic such as my future. With an hour and a half in the meter, I have paid the small fee for undisturbed moments for me to contemplate.

It was odd to take a laptop out in a courtyard. But it must be done, as pretentious as it may seem. You have to wonder what ppl think when I take the laptop out. Despite all the reasons, I am here because the silence at home and the feeling of isolation – isolation is almost deafening. I much prefer the together – alone situation, as cold as the courtyard feels.

Letter from Rejection

Its been a month since I ran across downtown, while up for 28 hours finishing my portfolio for University of Westminster’s fashion design program. Feeling edgy and tired of seeing the stupid ucas tracker telling me that it is being evaluated, I wrote them an email:

Dear Nila,

How are you doing? I hope it is not as busy now!

I haven't heard from you in a while and I just thought I touch base with you. I am just wondering in regards to my application to the Fashion Design program, how will I be notified of the results?

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to assist the evaluation process.

Best regards,


And to my dismay, she responded quite quickly:

Dear Steven

Thank you, for your email. I was away last few days, I have know got the results from the tutor, & I am sorry to inform you that your application has been unsuccessful . You need to improve on your drawing and research skills at degree level.

Best Wishes.


Nila Gandhi

I hate it when the best wishes its like pity wishes. Although I was sorta glad that basically helped me choose Central St. Martins without having to think anymore about it, it at the same time confirmed the idea that I got accepted as a fluke.

Again I feel like a fraud and the feeling of rejection washes over me. These emotions, when I read it, it never mounts to anything. But when you feel it, clich├ęs just pop off your mouth like swear words outta a trucker’s mouth.

Fearing rejection, I almost don’t want to apply for Project Runway Canada anymore. Knowing that it will only lead to embarrassment and rejection, I wonder why I wanted to apply in the first place. Guess it is about fame? I hope Andy Warhol is right. I am just waiting for my 15 seconds.

Monday, April 02, 2007

2nd Anniverserary

Dirk and I are still together, though he is hardly sure if he wants to go to London with me. It was our second yr anniversary and it so happened to be on the same day that he had his staff party dinner – big trouble.

The event basically unfolded after a nice dinner where movie was canceled because of the party. And Dirk enjoyed himself while I sat secretly in the backdoor stairway wondering how come I cannot relate to anybody around anywhere?

Regardless to say, I tried hard to avoid making Dirk feel bad, I gave myself 500000 reasons for not snapping at him. I wanted to be able to talk with him without the influence of alcohol, I wanted to be reasonable, I wanted to be happy for him to enjoy himself at his company dinner. Why must I be so selfish? That I feel like we should only be spending the time within each other’s glaze and embrace? Why should I feel pangs of jealousy when he is making along with his co-workers? All part from the fact that it was our second anniversary. I tried to stay in bed, lying next to him. Him who knows I am upset, and tried hard to make me feel better, in futile attempts of putting his hand around me. And eventually giving up and rolling to the other side of the bed.

I didn’t know whether it was the fact that his daughter who is not even 18 was drinking along side with us, or the fact that he didn’t help clean up when all the other managers were, but somewhere deep inside, I wonder what I was missing between us so hard anyways.