Wednesday, December 27, 2006


1 hr to my plane lifts off to hk
me, i am sitting in the business lounge drinking and facing a monitor of a computer not my own

so i am back, and you would think during the holiday season i would finally find more time to write more about nothing ..

but nope

we had our christmas dinner, which entailed me making a pillow cover for every guest and dirk stuffing each of them with food till we all burst

it was nice and the last 24 hours have been a madness in preparing for my flight, fixing portfolio up for CSM, packing clothes, making sure my ds has games, and making sure theres some porn in the ds so i wont die of boredom

so now i am in the business lounge, drinking myself to oblivion, because things are more fun when you are drunk

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Day Two

The second night of ignoring dirk. feelings are blocked from escaping into the air with my tight lips and sealed heart.

It was most difficult lying in bed next to him. Dancing with words around the topic of my sudden coldness to him. Its tempting me to release my emotions and frustrations into this world. To let him know how upset i am that not only did he never really think of any ways to make me trust him more, but that he actually lied to me some more and deleted internet histories.

It is fruststrating he doesnt recognize why i am upset, and rather me explain it to him . . . again. Due to his long work shift, he wasn't exactly the best conversationalist, but then again he always nodded off when talking in bed.

I was able to escape actual real conversation, and just had my usual conversation with him pausing, falling asleep between sentences. It was the usual method of communication, telegrams that i tapped carefully and sent off to a place far, far from where i am.

Monday, December 04, 2006

liar liar

got a chance to take a look at my old blog just today, with dirk in my place...
i was pretty surprised how confident i sounded, able to make statements without hesitation. Maybe i just feel much more unsure of myself these days.

somehow we got onto the topic of going on porn sites today, and somehow it led to the fact that he once again didnt tell me about him visiting for porn

defense: when i asked him if he looked at porn toay (which i asked everyday) porn didnt count reading stories about two gay men fucking and sucking

i didnt get pissed mad this time, i didnt storm out of the house, we just talked as we normally would if we were aruging over something more trivial

but that was just me pretending

through the discussion i found out that he, as i suspected, did delete history from letting me know he was watching porn. I didnt storm out. But i am defintely upset. After what happened just lately, this was just too much. but noooo, i can't react too much either because i wouldn't want him to be negatively rewarded by being honest

To me without trust there is no relationship, and i am sick of all the lie defenses he puts up.

i just want to not want to be in this relationship. But at this point i do, and i am really hoping that i can just ignore dirk for a little while, give me some time to feel if i really want this.

the only thing that screws me up at times like this is when i worry that he is watching porn, or jerking off, or cheating on me, and suddenly i care again and i want to talk to him, just to check. As soon as thats done, i can ignore him again. And i think that i will be like this until i dont want to be with him anymore. Sorta like a catch 22, i will need to not care to see if i really want him, but to be that way, i would have to already not care about him anymore.

too much of an extremist, too much of a black and white

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Missed Toilet Sex

After suffering through the last few days with 5 hr sleeps, overslept and missing classes, snowstorms, downtown illegal u turns, and 70 page reports, I am finally here again

on Wendesday i went to Blanch McDonalds graduation fashion show to see what this 'school' was chugging out every year

what i found was surprisingly impressive creatives, but lacking in the sewing skills for many

but my body was numb and couldn't focus for my life after what happened at intermission

i was out in the portfolio area when i caught the glance of a man that was catching my glances too. He was semi balding with a goatee, and dressed fairly well in his chocolate shirt and dark brown jacket. Probably in his 40s we exchanged glances and he stopped collecting name cards from student's portfolio.

I stare at enough ppl to know that this was really a 'glance-back'. And i had to quickly rid my camera borrowed from my friend and start following his glances in the crowd. It was completely intoxicating and i was so aroused i didnt even focus on the possibility that i might be having a hard on while i was walking. He lead me with his eyes above the crowd, and he stopped at a table somewhat remote from the crowd. I wanted to just say hi. Just say hi. But i walked past the table, and stood, feeling completely akward and pretended to read everything i could have laid my eyes on, i went upstairs, hoping he would come up with his red wine and we can just chat.

I watched from above on a banister for him searching for me. I guess i walked up too fast. He saw me right before he walked under the banister and i was sure he was going to walk up, despite the obvious approach i was more than willing to let him demostrate the interest some more.

He didnt come up and went straight to the washroom on the first floor.

I didn't know what to do and i went back downstairs, feeling foolish and stood near the washroom door, as akward as ever. all this time i just rehearsed what i was going to say to him, ' hi thanks for wanting to suck my cock, but i have a bf, wanna be friends insteand?'

I honestly thought that sounded okay.

He came out of the washroom and saw me, he led me this time, more aggressively than before, with his head. I followed him further from the crowd, and we went through twisted halls. I had no idea where he was taking me, and little did i find, another washroom.

He was already inside and this time i was stuck.

Not going in felt rude, and i will never get a chance to talk to him. Going in will mean i wanted to have sex. I thought, i will have to go in and say my shtick.

So i went in.

he was standing next to a urinal. I rolled my eyes in my mind, you just came from the washroom silly. i thought. i thought he might approach me finally, but he didnt. And i DIDNT want to go pee next to him. I looked at him, he turned his head and sorta did a tight smile. I finally gathered enough courage and said, 'hi'.

'Hi' he said.

'I am sorry, i mean.. . i ' suddenly i felt presumptious but at the same time i was sure he wanted sex. I figure it was my nerves.

he seemed like he already knew what i was going to say and just nodded.

'it s okay' he said.

'I have a boyfriend' i blurted. ' I am sorry. .. I .. um'

'Thats a shame'.

I left the bathroom. and i felt like wait, didnt i want to be his friend? I couldnt believe myself but i went back in, and said ' do you want to talk or something?'

he smiled and said sure.

In retrospect, i think it was outta akwardness but he nodded. I stood waiting for him to zip up and go already. but he didnt move, and still face the urinal. I said 'o i will wait for you outside'

it is only now i realized he was waiting for his boner to soften

i can be such a tard sometimes.

we chatted, he was from Clarins, marketing guy too. but he didnt seem too interested in what i had to say about myself. I felt akward and soon we went back to the crowd. and me to my friends who think i am straight.

I thought, 'i couldve had sex just now and you woulndt have even know it!'

more disturbingly, i tried to google his name, his position anything, but i couldnt find him, he might have given me a fake name
i dont know why i wanted to contact him

i feel weird because i know i wont cheat, maybe i just love the possiblity

tomorrow: @ emily carr