Thursday, March 08, 2007

The Chase

Everyone in downtown has a dog because 1. It makes being alone less lonely, and 2. Using it as a guy/girl magnet will make you not lonely anymore. Today was one of those days I wished I had a dog.

Peter was being an ass again. His text message felt sarcastic and insincere, mocking and disguised as replies to my desperate calls for us to go out. Or I am just overlooking every word, but I know, I know.

Sitting at the usual Blenz, I turned on MSN to try and reconnect to the world outside of portfolio and snobby fashion bitches. I did and I talked with Terry, it was great playing catch up and it made me feel less disconnected. But I know, and I feel like one of those guys stuck in the past, reliving the days of endless video games and pointless hanging outs. I felt like as if I should be living in my basement of my parents’ house, scratching my belly and kicking empty beer cans, exclaiming over the newest game out on PS3. Calling my buddies to play first person shooters and call each other fags. Turn off the games and the phones and jerk off to porn till 5 in the morning.

Those days are gone and instead are replaced by ambition, fear of self-loathing, and searches for the one. But I can’t help but think, if I feel this way, yet I am still just the ‘regular guy’ at the coffee shop, typing into his laptop, there must be others out there disguised just as well as I am, if not better. They can be successful businessmen, gym bunnies, or that barista. Then another thought came to me, what if we all feel somewhat like how I feel, what if all these ambition, these searching, are just to find that person who we can feel like how we used to again?

Are we seeking our past with our future?

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