scared

Not sure what I am doing, but this is a moment where Dirk is talking to global4immigration. Which is a immigration company that specialize in helping ppl in hospitality industry in finding a job. Now that he has told them his record history, I am pissing my pants. After we fought before he called, after I told him what to do and then told him what he did was wrong. He called in frustration. These days I don’t know what to do because I know I am schizophrenic enough in my decisions, to involve this type of thinking with him is only torture. Despite me wanting to go find other things to do, like promote my blog of words, or look at avril’s wedding pics on youtube, I find myself back here, with the speakers on full blast so I can’t hear anything. I feel so out of control and I know OCD ppl hates that.

Given that I had OCD and only a mild form now, I am hating this. The music hurt my ear drums with the earphones so close to the drums. But I fear every moment one song ends because that would be a brief silence, a break for the singers, and a moment to make my heart skip a beat. And for those split second I would hear one or two words from Dirk. I’d try my best to identify the tone and its emotions. I kept on wanting the phone call to end to know what happens, but the longer they talk, I know, the better. Because they haven’t rejected him and if they don’t think he is worthy of talking and wasting all these time, then they wouldn’t talk to him.

Then I get paranoid and think that maybe hes just sitting there in sadness over the horrid news. But then the song ends and my heart jumps beats again.

Then one of the song ended, and it was silence, and I wondered if it was done. And dirk said, “steve, done”