Saturday, April 21, 2007

Miran's Birthday

not feeling particular useful today

miran had a surprise party and i co-planned the party. it was pretty good but i was sick during most of the planning and was still sick during the party. I was dazed and confused and created moments where i behaved less than preferred, they werent particularly bad behaviours, rather its things that will make ppl think of me in ways that i would not prefer. . . which i do take part in trying to control

things were like: me asking for the 2 dollar change i was suppose to get back for a 38 dollar meal when i paid 40 and the rest of the table didnt ask for it . . .

- or -

me offering to split the money of the cake in front of miran

- or -

me nagging dirk to go to london again with me... and having miran to tell me shut up and hearing dirk say an strong 'no'

not feeling particularly useful but feeling particularly bitter

dirk's mom had some kind of gout and it became some kind of infection, and that later spread to her hip and now they had to do surgery. . .
dirk is worried but logical, in the sense that he didnt rushed to the hospital to see his mom, rather his reasoning was that since they have to operate on her, he wont see her anyways

whereas i would have ran there anyways, regardless of the situation.

that said, it doesnt meant he worries less than me. you could tell he was worried, but thats just how he behaves, and i guess i will

not feeling particularly useful but feeling particularly confrontational

emailed peter this email:


Its thursday night and i am sooo sick i like puked 3 times cuz i have this flu. . . anyways ive decided to write this little email to you. I guess its stuff that I would much rather say in person but it just doesn’t seem like I will get the opportunity to do so.

So I am writing this email. . .

I guess I just feel like we don’t really get a chance to talk much anymore. I know that I wasn’t really available during the last six months, and going out once every month or so might not be the best way to stay in touch. But i would think you know how school is. It completely insane and I think we still managed to hang out once in a while. I am much more available now and I know that doesn’t mean you should include me in your activities. I know you have made new friends from Kwantlen and I think that’s great. I do also feel that you don’t really want to include me into that part of your life. I think I have tried pretty hard to go out with you and your friends. But it is clear that you don’t really want to include me as a part of your new life since I don’t think you have called me ever in the last month or two. And it sucks and it doesn’t feel the best, especially when this is happening from a close friend.

And I guess the point of the email is just for you to know how I feel about all of this. I know stuff happens to you and if I don’t call I would never find out about it. I know issues that were old seems much less important after it has happened and that’s why I often don’t get to hear about it from you. It may make us feel more distant and I think its awful. I do try to keep in touch and call you every so often. But I think you need to know that it makes me feel insignificant when I am constantly the one calling and trying to catch a chance to go out with you. It is something I do as a friend to a friend.

Anyways, if I am completely off the mark to why we haven’t went out or you haven’t contacted me lately, do let me know. Because I would much rather find out whats bugging you then having to guess and wonder all the time.

and he wrote back:


I'm sorry to hear that you're sick. I hope you get better soon.

You're not wrong in feeling us growing distant. I feel that too. And
you're right; school, and probably life in general, doesn't always
allow us to have time to hang out and do stuff. I also know that you
do what you can to stay in touch even through all the craziness. I
think that's very nice of you to do, on many levels. And I will admit
that I haven't spent much effort in trying to get together.

It's not that I don't want to hang out with you or include you in my
activities. It's just that a lot of times even when you're with us,
you're not completely there. You would either have to arrive late, or
leave early, or be away in between. And you're either talking or
typing away at your phone: an impression people give off when they
have somewhere else better to be. I don't know how your other friends
feel about that, or if you do that to your other friends, but I don't
want to feel like you're hanging out with me out of obligation.

Another thing is you act quite differently when you're with different
people. And I guess that's always been something that bugs me about
you. I think I've come to think of it not so much as a bad thing.
Sometimes I wish I could get along with everybody and share their
interests, but I just don't think that's possible, at least not for
me. I haven't told you this because I don't know what I hope to
achieve by telling you. I want to tell you to just be yourself, but
who am I to judge who you really are?

So I've decided that while it is not my place to tell you who you are
or what you should do, I can limit my exposure to you when you're
with someone you feel like you need to act differently in front of.

I value your friendship to me. And I feel sad that we've grown apart
in the last year, or so. To be honest, I didn't say anything because
I've adjusted, and I'm lazy. And now that the holiday's started, I'm
sure we'll get more chances to hang out. Thanks for letting me know
how you feel. This is how I feel, or as closely as I can get it to be.


well its my turn to reply, and i am thinking about how to respond, i dont think he was mean or anything, but there is indications me having problem behaviours, i know he admitted to his too, which is nice, hence the fine balance of tone for the next email needs to be established.

i wish i dont obsess

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