Monday, December 04, 2006

liar liar

got a chance to take a look at my old blog just today, with dirk in my place...
i was pretty surprised how confident i sounded, able to make statements without hesitation. Maybe i just feel much more unsure of myself these days.

somehow we got onto the topic of going on porn sites today, and somehow it led to the fact that he once again didnt tell me about him visiting for porn

defense: when i asked him if he looked at porn toay (which i asked everyday) porn didnt count reading stories about two gay men fucking and sucking

i didnt get pissed mad this time, i didnt storm out of the house, we just talked as we normally would if we were aruging over something more trivial

but that was just me pretending

through the discussion i found out that he, as i suspected, did delete history from letting me know he was watching porn. I didnt storm out. But i am defintely upset. After what happened just lately, this was just too much. but noooo, i can't react too much either because i wouldn't want him to be negatively rewarded by being honest

To me without trust there is no relationship, and i am sick of all the lie defenses he puts up.

i just want to not want to be in this relationship. But at this point i do, and i am really hoping that i can just ignore dirk for a little while, give me some time to feel if i really want this.

the only thing that screws me up at times like this is when i worry that he is watching porn, or jerking off, or cheating on me, and suddenly i care again and i want to talk to him, just to check. As soon as thats done, i can ignore him again. And i think that i will be like this until i dont want to be with him anymore. Sorta like a catch 22, i will need to not care to see if i really want him, but to be that way, i would have to already not care about him anymore.

too much of an extremist, too much of a black and white

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