Dirk,
This is a letter to tell as it is and a venue for me to fully express my concerns and feelings without having to cause a sore throat. I must ask of you to not do your usual regress-and-hide-in-corner-paralyzed-unable-to-do-anything-or-function-in-any-way routine. It is hard as it is to express these emotions, let alone having a horrible response that facilitates no communication whatsoever. I am not looking to end my letter having to make you feel better, or making sure you are okay. In all honesty, I feel as if I have been enabling you to behave this way, allowing you shirk from responsibilities and emotions. Instead of dealing with them, you fill your moments with distractions: movies, pills, food, whatever. And it is just a lot of bad coping mechanisms that I haven’t seen any improvements on.
With the recent events, I feel extremely difficult to rely on you. This ‘memory issue’ needs to be addressed, not half heartedly, but pursuit with full force. This is not the first time you have used this reason, and it is getting to ridiculous. It is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card you can throw in my face and expect everything to be better.
I am split down the middle in terms of my trust with you. On a deep deep level, I think you wouldn’t cheat on me, and I suppose that is some trust. But events like this are not the first time, nor the second or third time this has happened. Through previous times I know you have lied to me in my face before. And with thoughts like that, I don’t feel like I can trust you. These events have made it hard for me to feel comfortable to rely on you. This is awful because it will put more than just strain on the relationship once we move overseas.
I am frustrated at you. You have a history of making bad decisions. Things you do sometimes are just not well thought out. This whole squirt thing is a perfect example. Worst yet, and this is a revisit of an old issue, you are again crippled with bad feelings.
The text messages you have sent me, ‘have I completely lost you?’, ‘if so I understand’? That’s it? You understand? You will just let me go cuz you understand? Dirk I know I am a hopeless romantic, and I do have movie like fantasies and expectations. You think those things only exist in movies, but if you act out these things, then they are instantly a reality. You don’t fight for these things, it doesn’t mean you don’t care, but you don’t fight for it either. Instead you are wounded and helpless. Well that is bullshit, no one is coming to comfort you when you pissed away at the one who cares for you. You don’t go fighting back for their love or redeem yourself in some way, no one is going to be that much of a doormat.
Yesterday demonstrated this. I knew you couldn’t sleep, I know you would be distraught by what happened. You could’ve wrote me an email, something to try to make up for what you have done. In my mind, it is a perfect time for a grad gesture. Which is what I want Dirk, a grand gesture. Seems like you don’t believe in them. I do. You could’ve been so wound up by the guilt of hurting me, come to the house, by bus or by taxi, and asked me to forgive you. Instead you took a sleeping pill and slept your worries away. How dare you to message me the next day saying ‘you understand?’ What I don’t understand is how little you have given for this. In all honesty, a grand gesture is what I need to feel better, but with this case, I don’t know if 1 you can ever think of any grand gesture 2 whether it would make things any better.
Our relationship has been very good lately. And it is times like these that all your shit spills out and are exposed. It is the same stuff Dirk. It hasn’t improved. It is like you had never had screw up and hurt people you love and actually won them back. I am so tired of winning myself back into the relationship. And it is so sad to watch you dwelt in your self pity and loathing. You are 43, please figure it out.
Steven
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Saturday, June 02, 2007
never stops
last night, in the midst of not really anything, sleeping at my parents' house, i suddenly remembered that Dirk had an odd account name on Squirt that i saw from an email. See i use his email address to mail stuff for london and shit. Anyways, the nickname was Tarus42. which under my many years of understanding of the art of naming on the internet, the 42 can either mean he is born 1942, which he is not, or he made this account when he was 42, which we were dating for a year already.
Deduction is a bitch.
It ate me up, it ate and ate me up last night. In the afternoon, i decided to try emailing squirt's email contact and see if it would be able to tell me when this account was registered. Maybe, just maybe its not when he was 42, maybe it fucking meant something else. Then tonight, when I was hanging out with Miran and her friends + Kin, i wanted to leave and talk to dirk as soon as he was off. And so i left kin at miran's, it was bad, but it wasnt the worst.
At dirks, after many different ways of starting this dreaded but much needed conversation that i played in my head, I asked him to promise to answer my next question in complete honesty. He swore on his great grandmother's grave. So i asked him 'when did you create your squirt account?' he said a long time ago, before he met me. So i said, if we see the date of when he posted story online (another fight we had long ago, but basically just that he posted porn stories (called cocktails) and i didnt realize he did that so i got mad), we will be able to know when he had his account.
To my saddest surprise, we found the story, written by dick_diddler.
The motherfucker made a new account. In around the same time, with my head spinning and shortness of breath, i read the email response that the tarus account was in fact created on 12/29/06. not even half a year ago.
I called dad, during this time, i asked him if he was to have created the account when i was in hk last christmas, how does he think i feel? he said he knows i would feel horrible. and guess wat? dad told me i was gone to hk since 12/26/06 - 01/06/07.
Bin-fucking-go
in reality, i dont really think he has cheated on me, the account had nothing in the profile (he could've deleted everything), he had no body on his buddy list (which he had on his dick account), but BUT, he ticked the option of not getting any members to email him to his account but he didn't tick off the automatic 'make me a star cruiser!' option. I felt like i was playing nancy drew or sherlock holmes, out to detect whether his lover cheated on him or not
i hate this, this is not the first time. his defense is that he can't really remember because it isn't so important to him. But he swore and swore that he didnt cheat on me, but he fucked up with the sworing already. Honestly, at this point, i dont know what is there to do. I don't trust him. It isn't the first time. and he is not good at grand gestures, which is the one thing that can get me not mad, but in all honesty, i dont even know if a grand gesture can save this bullshit of a relationship.
but i dont have to worry, no grand gesture will come. i want to write him an email, give him hints about what i want, but whats the point, he not doing it will only make me more angry
Deduction is a bitch.
It ate me up, it ate and ate me up last night. In the afternoon, i decided to try emailing squirt's email contact and see if it would be able to tell me when this account was registered. Maybe, just maybe its not when he was 42, maybe it fucking meant something else. Then tonight, when I was hanging out with Miran and her friends + Kin, i wanted to leave and talk to dirk as soon as he was off. And so i left kin at miran's, it was bad, but it wasnt the worst.
At dirks, after many different ways of starting this dreaded but much needed conversation that i played in my head, I asked him to promise to answer my next question in complete honesty. He swore on his great grandmother's grave. So i asked him 'when did you create your squirt account?' he said a long time ago, before he met me. So i said, if we see the date of when he posted story online (another fight we had long ago, but basically just that he posted porn stories (called cocktails) and i didnt realize he did that so i got mad), we will be able to know when he had his account.
To my saddest surprise, we found the story, written by dick_diddler.
The motherfucker made a new account. In around the same time, with my head spinning and shortness of breath, i read the email response that the tarus account was in fact created on 12/29/06. not even half a year ago.
I called dad, during this time, i asked him if he was to have created the account when i was in hk last christmas, how does he think i feel? he said he knows i would feel horrible. and guess wat? dad told me i was gone to hk since 12/26/06 - 01/06/07.
Bin-fucking-go
in reality, i dont really think he has cheated on me, the account had nothing in the profile (he could've deleted everything), he had no body on his buddy list (which he had on his dick account), but BUT, he ticked the option of not getting any members to email him to his account but he didn't tick off the automatic 'make me a star cruiser!' option. I felt like i was playing nancy drew or sherlock holmes, out to detect whether his lover cheated on him or not
i hate this, this is not the first time. his defense is that he can't really remember because it isn't so important to him. But he swore and swore that he didnt cheat on me, but he fucked up with the sworing already. Honestly, at this point, i dont know what is there to do. I don't trust him. It isn't the first time. and he is not good at grand gestures, which is the one thing that can get me not mad, but in all honesty, i dont even know if a grand gesture can save this bullshit of a relationship.
but i dont have to worry, no grand gesture will come. i want to write him an email, give him hints about what i want, but whats the point, he not doing it will only make me more angry
Sunday, May 27, 2007
MMM
Mom's Moodswing Madness
I sorta regret telling mom about my man's problems. Especially today, with her work problems, her mood is low. And the biggest problem is, her low moods affect every ounce of her bones. A fabulous dress will look horrendous during those moments. She will hate everything about anything, and this does not stop at your son's gay bf. No, no, in fact it is probably the next item she would turn to with her cursor/target towards - terminator style. Ready to find its flaws and weaknesses, and swoop in for the kill.
Of course she can make it look like she is suffering this whole time while she is at it. And i do understand/believe that this has all been tremendously hard for her. I completely know that I am extremely lucky to have my parents not disowning me or give me any sorts of hard time about my sexuality. It makes situations like this a lot more tolerable. But seeing how much it hurts her really sucks. Somehow it makes me wanna be un-gay, or dump my man. But when I get to that point, I just think "what? Am I really gonna make my mom my best friend and my soul mate? "
These last few days has been really tough in terms of my feelings towards bf. And these moments do not make it any easier.
I sorta regret telling mom about my man's problems. Especially today, with her work problems, her mood is low. And the biggest problem is, her low moods affect every ounce of her bones. A fabulous dress will look horrendous during those moments. She will hate everything about anything, and this does not stop at your son's gay bf. No, no, in fact it is probably the next item she would turn to with her cursor/target towards - terminator style. Ready to find its flaws and weaknesses, and swoop in for the kill.
Of course she can make it look like she is suffering this whole time while she is at it. And i do understand/believe that this has all been tremendously hard for her. I completely know that I am extremely lucky to have my parents not disowning me or give me any sorts of hard time about my sexuality. It makes situations like this a lot more tolerable. But seeing how much it hurts her really sucks. Somehow it makes me wanna be un-gay, or dump my man. But when I get to that point, I just think "what? Am I really gonna make my mom my best friend and my soul mate? "
These last few days has been really tough in terms of my feelings towards bf. And these moments do not make it any easier.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
fat fat is an ungrateful little asshole...
god how will i regret this post, but walter was truly being an ingrate today. . .
peter and i are going out again, and for a moment, I couldnt remember why i hated walter so much. . . of course he had to remind me.
After the photo shoot i had over the weekend, walter came over to dirks place to hang out with miran before we head off to dinner. . .
it was a pretty bad day to begin with and having walter there was a pain enough, dirk and i were fighting, me and miran were fighting, it just wasnt pretty. and walter, as oblivious as a fetus, just hung around . . . miran completely ignored him and i kept his company . .
then at dinner, at moxies, dirk's front house manager gave everyone their free meals (minus app-y platter and drinks) and dirk insisted on giving them an extra large tip, which was a little big, but given the amount that was discounted, it was really great anyways . .
but 3 days later, at bubble tea, peter mentioned about the dinner thing and appearently, walter said that him and celia were complaining afterwards how the meal would have been just as normally priced. . . and he was seriously complaining.
devastated, i only made crappy attacks, he complained about the food, i said you said you liked it then. . . and it was lame and futile, i wish i was calm enough to just say ' well, i will make sure you never get another free meal again' because seriously thats what it comes down to, and if i want to be a little bit worst, i would just say 'you know walter, with you being so pleasant lately, i forgot why you were an annoying little bitch, but now i remember, you just can't be liked for too long can you?'
o the spirit of the stairway ...
peter and i are going out again, and for a moment, I couldnt remember why i hated walter so much. . . of course he had to remind me.
After the photo shoot i had over the weekend, walter came over to dirks place to hang out with miran before we head off to dinner. . .
it was a pretty bad day to begin with and having walter there was a pain enough, dirk and i were fighting, me and miran were fighting, it just wasnt pretty. and walter, as oblivious as a fetus, just hung around . . . miran completely ignored him and i kept his company . .
then at dinner, at moxies, dirk's front house manager gave everyone their free meals (minus app-y platter and drinks) and dirk insisted on giving them an extra large tip, which was a little big, but given the amount that was discounted, it was really great anyways . .
but 3 days later, at bubble tea, peter mentioned about the dinner thing and appearently, walter said that him and celia were complaining afterwards how the meal would have been just as normally priced. . . and he was seriously complaining.
devastated, i only made crappy attacks, he complained about the food, i said you said you liked it then. . . and it was lame and futile, i wish i was calm enough to just say ' well, i will make sure you never get another free meal again' because seriously thats what it comes down to, and if i want to be a little bit worst, i would just say 'you know walter, with you being so pleasant lately, i forgot why you were an annoying little bitch, but now i remember, you just can't be liked for too long can you?'
o the spirit of the stairway ...
Monday, April 02, 2007
2nd Anniverserary
Dirk and I are still together, though he is hardly sure if he wants to go to London with me. It was our second yr anniversary and it so happened to be on the same day that he had his staff party dinner – big trouble.
The event basically unfolded after a nice dinner where movie was canceled because of the party. And Dirk enjoyed himself while I sat secretly in the backdoor stairway wondering how come I cannot relate to anybody around anywhere?
Regardless to say, I tried hard to avoid making Dirk feel bad, I gave myself 500000 reasons for not snapping at him. I wanted to be able to talk with him without the influence of alcohol, I wanted to be reasonable, I wanted to be happy for him to enjoy himself at his company dinner. Why must I be so selfish? That I feel like we should only be spending the time within each other’s glaze and embrace? Why should I feel pangs of jealousy when he is making along with his co-workers? All part from the fact that it was our second anniversary. I tried to stay in bed, lying next to him. Him who knows I am upset, and tried hard to make me feel better, in futile attempts of putting his hand around me. And eventually giving up and rolling to the other side of the bed.
I didn’t know whether it was the fact that his daughter who is not even 18 was drinking along side with us, or the fact that he didn’t help clean up when all the other managers were, but somewhere deep inside, I wonder what I was missing between us so hard anyways.
The event basically unfolded after a nice dinner where movie was canceled because of the party. And Dirk enjoyed himself while I sat secretly in the backdoor stairway wondering how come I cannot relate to anybody around anywhere?
Regardless to say, I tried hard to avoid making Dirk feel bad, I gave myself 500000 reasons for not snapping at him. I wanted to be able to talk with him without the influence of alcohol, I wanted to be reasonable, I wanted to be happy for him to enjoy himself at his company dinner. Why must I be so selfish? That I feel like we should only be spending the time within each other’s glaze and embrace? Why should I feel pangs of jealousy when he is making along with his co-workers? All part from the fact that it was our second anniversary. I tried to stay in bed, lying next to him. Him who knows I am upset, and tried hard to make me feel better, in futile attempts of putting his hand around me. And eventually giving up and rolling to the other side of the bed.
I didn’t know whether it was the fact that his daughter who is not even 18 was drinking along side with us, or the fact that he didn’t help clean up when all the other managers were, but somewhere deep inside, I wonder what I was missing between us so hard anyways.
Monday, December 04, 2006
liar liar
got a chance to take a look at my old blog just today, with dirk in my place...
i was pretty surprised how confident i sounded, able to make statements without hesitation. Maybe i just feel much more unsure of myself these days.
somehow we got onto the topic of going on porn sites today, and somehow it led to the fact that he once again didnt tell me about him visiting for porn
defense: when i asked him if he looked at porn toay (which i asked everyday) porn didnt count reading stories about two gay men fucking and sucking
i didnt get pissed mad this time, i didnt storm out of the house, we just talked as we normally would if we were aruging over something more trivial
but that was just me pretending
through the discussion i found out that he, as i suspected, did delete history from letting me know he was watching porn. I didnt storm out. But i am defintely upset. After what happened just lately, this was just too much. but noooo, i can't react too much either because i wouldn't want him to be negatively rewarded by being honest
To me without trust there is no relationship, and i am sick of all the lie defenses he puts up.
i just want to not want to be in this relationship. But at this point i do, and i am really hoping that i can just ignore dirk for a little while, give me some time to feel if i really want this.
the only thing that screws me up at times like this is when i worry that he is watching porn, or jerking off, or cheating on me, and suddenly i care again and i want to talk to him, just to check. As soon as thats done, i can ignore him again. And i think that i will be like this until i dont want to be with him anymore. Sorta like a catch 22, i will need to not care to see if i really want him, but to be that way, i would have to already not care about him anymore.
too much of an extremist, too much of a black and white
i was pretty surprised how confident i sounded, able to make statements without hesitation. Maybe i just feel much more unsure of myself these days.
somehow we got onto the topic of going on porn sites today, and somehow it led to the fact that he once again didnt tell me about him visiting for porn
defense: when i asked him if he looked at porn toay (which i asked everyday) porn didnt count reading stories about two gay men fucking and sucking
i didnt get pissed mad this time, i didnt storm out of the house, we just talked as we normally would if we were aruging over something more trivial
but that was just me pretending
through the discussion i found out that he, as i suspected, did delete history from letting me know he was watching porn. I didnt storm out. But i am defintely upset. After what happened just lately, this was just too much. but noooo, i can't react too much either because i wouldn't want him to be negatively rewarded by being honest
To me without trust there is no relationship, and i am sick of all the lie defenses he puts up.
i just want to not want to be in this relationship. But at this point i do, and i am really hoping that i can just ignore dirk for a little while, give me some time to feel if i really want this.
the only thing that screws me up at times like this is when i worry that he is watching porn, or jerking off, or cheating on me, and suddenly i care again and i want to talk to him, just to check. As soon as thats done, i can ignore him again. And i think that i will be like this until i dont want to be with him anymore. Sorta like a catch 22, i will need to not care to see if i really want him, but to be that way, i would have to already not care about him anymore.
too much of an extremist, too much of a black and white
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