letter to dirk

Dirk,

This is a letter to tell as it is and a venue for me to fully express my concerns and feelings without having to cause a sore throat. I must ask of you to not do your usual regress-and-hide-in-corner-paralyzed-unable-to-do-anything-or-function-in-any-way routine. It is hard as it is to express these emotions, let alone having a horrible response that facilitates no communication whatsoever. I am not looking to end my letter having to make you feel better, or making sure you are okay. In all honesty, I feel as if I have been enabling you to behave this way, allowing you shirk from responsibilities and emotions. Instead of dealing with them, you fill your moments with distractions: movies, pills, food, whatever. And it is just a lot of bad coping mechanisms that I haven’t seen any improvements on.

With the recent events, I feel extremely difficult to rely on you. This ‘memory issue’ needs to be addressed, not half heartedly, but pursuit with full force. This is not the first time you have used this reason, and it is getting to ridiculous. It is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card you can throw in my face and expect everything to be better.

I am split down the middle in terms of my trust with you. On a deep deep level, I think you wouldn’t cheat on me, and I suppose that is some trust. But events like this are not the first time, nor the second or third time this has happened. Through previous times I know you have lied to me in my face before. And with thoughts like that, I don’t feel like I can trust you. These events have made it hard for me to feel comfortable to rely on you. This is awful because it will put more than just strain on the relationship once we move overseas.

I am frustrated at you. You have a history of making bad decisions. Things you do sometimes are just not well thought out. This whole squirt thing is a perfect example. Worst yet, and this is a revisit of an old issue, you are again crippled with bad feelings.

The text messages you have sent me, ‘have I completely lost you?’, ‘if so I understand’? That’s it? You understand? You will just let me go cuz you understand? Dirk I know I am a hopeless romantic, and I do have movie like fantasies and expectations. You think those things only exist in movies, but if you act out these things, then they are instantly a reality. You don’t fight for these things, it doesn’t mean you don’t care, but you don’t fight for it either. Instead you are wounded and helpless. Well that is bullshit, no one is coming to comfort you when you pissed away at the one who cares for you. You don’t go fighting back for their love or redeem yourself in some way, no one is going to be that much of a doormat.

Yesterday demonstrated this. I knew you couldn’t sleep, I know you would be distraught by what happened. You could’ve wrote me an email, something to try to make up for what you have done. In my mind, it is a perfect time for a grad gesture. Which is what I want Dirk, a grand gesture. Seems like you don’t believe in them. I do. You could’ve been so wound up by the guilt of hurting me, come to the house, by bus or by taxi, and asked me to forgive you. Instead you took a sleeping pill and slept your worries away. How dare you to message me the next day saying ‘you understand?’ What I don’t understand is how little you have given for this. In all honesty, a grand gesture is what I need to feel better, but with this case, I don’t know if 1 you can ever think of any grand gesture 2 whether it would make things any better.

Our relationship has been very good lately. And it is times like these that all your shit spills out and are exposed. It is the same stuff Dirk. It hasn’t improved. It is like you had never had screw up and hurt people you love and actually won them back. I am so tired of winning myself back into the relationship. And it is so sad to watch you dwelt in your self pity and loathing. You are 43, please figure it out.

Steven

reflections...

so now that its been a day, things are a little dated and i guess less worthwhile, this whole discount of time thing works outside of money

i thought about it, and i know i thought about it during the walk last night, but i guess i was too tired to get that far about it.

i thought that maybe this is just a way of telling me that i really dont deserve an ipod. that i have so many other things that played music, like my cell phone, or my ds. and that these other people dont have any of it, of course thoughts like well peter won one when he didnt want one came to my mind, and i know he gave it to marshall. . . so maybe marshall deserved it

regardless, i know i said how i did all these things for celia, but i know she did good things for me too, and thats the point

sadly, whenever i start writing, all the nicer deeper thoughts through out the day just disspates into the fucking air. hence rants and rants

Floral...

call it spring/summer, call it me trying to cheer myself up... but i am really starting to dig floral and colourful things, really anything. . . i went as far as making my own floral wallpaper, stealing pictures without asking over flickr and deviantart

watched the last top model this cycle and jaslene or whatever her face won. . . woopie . . . not, i like natasha more, but i know jas is prettier and more worthy, but i still like natasha more.

Drag and Crazy together at last

Going to bubble tea with peter and them was sorta awful, realizing (thanks to walter's brilliance) i find that his group probably find time to diss my friend (gay asian) and its helping walter build a stronger bond with the group. its so ridiculous i dont even know how to deal with it
i mean we all trash talk others whenever, but something about it annoyed it, be it the fact that everyone in peters group is catering to peter's ego and opinions, or the fact that walter is using other people's annoying-ness to shadow his own, or just the fact that i didnt say anything about it, it annoyed me.

Anyways, happy thoughts, happy S/S 07 floral...

galliano s/s 07

mcqueen s/s 07

laurent s/s 07

desperately

Craigslists' strictly platonic site has always caught my interest when i am bored as hell, reluctant to draw, sew, or drape, I am desperately looking at how others are desperately trying to make a connection.

That said, I have used the service, mostly replying, and once in a while posting. you have to wonder though, just walk out into the streets of Vancouver, and there s people everywhere, who are these people? people just like me that are out there seeking connections, and blatantly out loud online but are too shy to talk with anyone in a coffee shop, bus stop, or grocery line up?

anyways, i have been thinking lately about friends and the lack of it. Seeing how peter didnt share my opinion, or rather he would want to withheld his opinion of his so call friend fat fat now, i felt alone about the issue, as if i was over-sensitive. anyways surprised at the lack of people i can turn to to talk about this situation because me and miran didnt resolve our issue quite just yet, i realize i have this dream slash expectation of having friends that are always there, and you can always talk when you need to.

Dirk said its really a fantasy. I like to think i act that way since i am a pretty big follower for 'do one as you would like to be treated' but i would like to have a mirror image of a friend, just to know what kind of person i really am to my friends

Radiant Life

It was a pretty good movie, it made me realize how much brainless movie i have been consuming over the last year.

The movie showed a lot of folks, in a sense, fell into this suburban trap. They are married, with or planning to be with child or children. And this poster perfect image didnt translate into their lives. They have to drive 2 hrs just to get to work, no one knows anyone, kids can't walk anywhere, only to wonder aimlessly from soccer practice to karate practice. . .

Many seems to be aware of the horrid situation but is unable to find a better alternative, as alternative is to live in the city but under subsidized housing.

While watching the individuals go through a helpless turmoil, there were a few quotes that really resonated with me. it was something like,

• as we are caught in this spot that we dug for ourselves, we wonder if this is what we really have wanted and is this the life you want to live
  
• sometimes i get these great ideas when i am driving, but when i get home, something happens, the kids are in a crisis or there is dinner to prepare and then i forget what the idea even was. life seems to get in the way a lot.

and it worries me that we are all out there chasing our dreams, me included and god, i really just wonder if this is what i really want. What is this happiness i am chasing? Do i even understand what makes me happy?

And i thought, there are just those thoughts you have to acknowledge and then ignore before it eats you up inside.

A Friday

So it was friday the thirteenth and it wasnt a bad day. But with 4 months of free time up in my face, everyone's comment to me was either 'i hate you' for the fact that i have no finals and am about to graduate ( or maybe its just a i hate you period?) or 'what you gonna do now?'

i never thought of myself as a unemployed graduate, but because of my so called passion in fashion, i didn't apply for any marketing jobs during the hiring fair for all the big firms during october, i am now browsing through jobs, hoping to land a sales job at holt renfrew. . .

there are those who make it and those who dont. . . i for one would like to see myself as a little lost and am only on a simple detour.

so spending some fabulous i-am-done-school-and-have-no-job-time with danette, we went to:


ok so its trashy and we can smoke in there, so its awesome regardless, AND AND!! they have ipod nano nights! its finally time to win my ipod!!

Project Runway Canada emailed me, and then called me to let me know about their extended deadline. This leads to me think two things:

1. that my portfolio is actually close to getting accepted but they just want to see more of what i have made (which is nothing)

2. that they are REALLY low on applicants and need to get more

so i am thinking maybe i will need to sew up a storm some time between now and the 25th of april so i can take a freaking picture of it . . just one picture. countless hours. . . oh fashion.

Future Destination Driving Forward Falling Backwards

Lately an old idea has been popping back in my mind a lot today. Well, its not really popping in my mind so much as people saying things that make me think of them (by them I mean those thoughts).

What I mean is that . . I was in class last week, and the gay asian guy was like flamingly trying to describe how much fun he was having at Celebrities last week. At the mention that I went clubbing too, they verbalized how I didn't appear to be the 'clubbing type', i know that Hongers are very different in their opinions about what is considered good and bad. . . but it made me wonder, what type of person do I represent myself to be? Cuz I never thought I radiated a 'I dont go clubbing' energy. And although I do care about whether I get invited to places for things or not, I am more concerned with what other messages am I sending to the world about me?

More importantly, if everyone thinks you are something, does it make you that thing? Do you know yourself better than others? Or are you just kidding yourself? Who is ultimately correct?

Oh a side note: I love spaghetti heinz with winnie the pooh pastas!!

lots of work: Part 1

distressed. as opposed to eustress. but then again tons of school work can mean good stress doesnt it? give us a sense of purpose and direction?

i hate it when its the end of a term and i feel so empty, like i have given birth to a baby not mine and i am left to celebrate christmas alone

anyways, this was just me attempting to continue writing when there is clearly not enough time nor topic just so I can really make this a 'habit'