never stops

last night, in the midst of not really anything, sleeping at my parents' house, i suddenly remembered that Dirk had an odd account name on Squirt that i saw from an email. See i use his email address to mail stuff for london and shit. Anyways, the nickname was Tarus42. which under my many years of understanding of the art of naming on the internet, the 42 can either mean he is born 1942, which he is not, or he made this account when he was 42, which we were dating for a year already.

Deduction is a bitch.

It ate me up, it ate and ate me up last night. In the afternoon, i decided to try emailing squirt's email contact and see if it would be able to tell me when this account was registered. Maybe, just maybe its not when he was 42, maybe it fucking meant something else. Then tonight, when I was hanging out with Miran and her friends + Kin, i wanted to leave and talk to dirk as soon as he was off. And so i left kin at miran's, it was bad, but it wasnt the worst.

At dirks, after many different ways of starting this dreaded but much needed conversation that i played in my head, I asked him to promise to answer my next question in complete honesty. He swore on his great grandmother's grave. So i asked him 'when did you create your squirt account?' he said a long time ago, before he met me. So i said, if we see the date of when he posted story online (another fight we had long ago, but basically just that he posted porn stories (called cocktails) and i didnt realize he did that so i got mad), we will be able to know when he had his account.

To my saddest surprise, we found the story, written by dick_diddler.

The motherfucker made a new account. In around the same time, with my head spinning and shortness of breath, i read the email response that the tarus account was in fact created on 12/29/06. not even half a year ago.

I called dad, during this time, i asked him if he was to have created the account when i was in hk last christmas, how does he think i feel? he said he knows i would feel horrible. and guess wat? dad told me i was gone to hk since 12/26/06 - 01/06/07.

Bin-fucking-go

in reality, i dont really think he has cheated on me, the account had nothing in the profile (he could've deleted everything), he had no body on his buddy list (which he had on his dick account), but BUT, he ticked the option of not getting any members to email him to his account but he didn't tick off the automatic 'make me a star cruiser!' option. I felt like i was playing nancy drew or sherlock holmes, out to detect whether his lover cheated on him or not

i hate this, this is not the first time. his defense is that he can't really remember because it isn't so important to him. But he swore and swore that he didnt cheat on me, but he fucked up with the sworing already. Honestly, at this point, i dont know what is there to do. I don't trust him. It isn't the first time. and he is not good at grand gestures, which is the one thing that can get me not mad, but in all honesty, i dont even know if a grand gesture can save this bullshit of a relationship.

but i dont have to worry, no grand gesture will come. i want to write him an email, give him hints about what i want, but whats the point, he not doing it will only make me more angry

liar liar

got a chance to take a look at my old blog just today, with dirk in my place...
i was pretty surprised how confident i sounded, able to make statements without hesitation. Maybe i just feel much more unsure of myself these days.

somehow we got onto the topic of going on porn sites today, and somehow it led to the fact that he once again didnt tell me about him visiting for porn

defense: when i asked him if he looked at porn toay (which i asked everyday) porn didnt count reading stories about two gay men fucking and sucking

i didnt get pissed mad this time, i didnt storm out of the house, we just talked as we normally would if we were aruging over something more trivial

but that was just me pretending

through the discussion i found out that he, as i suspected, did delete history from letting me know he was watching porn. I didnt storm out. But i am defintely upset. After what happened just lately, this was just too much. but noooo, i can't react too much either because i wouldn't want him to be negatively rewarded by being honest

To me without trust there is no relationship, and i am sick of all the lie defenses he puts up.

i just want to not want to be in this relationship. But at this point i do, and i am really hoping that i can just ignore dirk for a little while, give me some time to feel if i really want this.

the only thing that screws me up at times like this is when i worry that he is watching porn, or jerking off, or cheating on me, and suddenly i care again and i want to talk to him, just to check. As soon as thats done, i can ignore him again. And i think that i will be like this until i dont want to be with him anymore. Sorta like a catch 22, i will need to not care to see if i really want him, but to be that way, i would have to already not care about him anymore.

too much of an extremist, too much of a black and white