something about men in movies...

finally found Sarah Harmer's Silver Road song with Tragically Hip still intact, didn't think I would hear it again.

Replaying it consistently on YouTube, I couldn't help but eventually notice the footages the creator edited into the song. Footages from Men With Brooms, which is where the song first originated from. Watching the footage, again and again, I developed a crush for the leading role already. Maybe it was his Canadian good charm, or his leather jacket, or the association with him and a sport, hence manliness, but I grew really comfortable with him. And I am sure the editor of the song felt so too, given that he is in every scene of complied footages. Thanks for the brainwashing, no really!

But I think the real reason that I feel in love with him is the fact that

1. Silver Road was one of the most important songs in my single life, hearing the song brought back the feeling of loneliness that I have been lucky enough to have forgotten
2. The more interesting reason is I think that there is something about falling in love with a character in a movie. First there is a story that usually has a happy ending, so you feel euphoric because of that. Second, even if it didn't have a happy ending, watching the movie again and again (which you would if you are in love), proved a predictability that brew comfort. We all want a man with no nasty surprises. PLUS PLUS! you can always just rewind to watch the sweet parts, or the sexual parts, whatever you are in the mood for.

after...

so I talked with Miran, and she doesn't think Dirk cheated. I was angry, and funny enough, we went to night market with Q & D that night. It was a strange occurrence as I was sitting outside of Dirk's house typing him that email. And debating whether to enter his house or not. I knew that all that needs to be said was in the email and going in is only me being weak. Going in meant forgiving, whether Dirk knew it or not.

Sadly, I didn't have anywhere else to go. I tried to contact some friends, all of which were in the midst of their own life and activities. Including Q&D, saying that they will be going to the night market with some friends. After I hung up, i walked up to Dirk's, thinking 'i mind as well go in, as no one is going to invite me anywhere anyways'

right after that Q called and asked if i wanted to go. What's more is that he only had one spot in his car. So i agreed.

Then i guess some twisted luck, the other couple wanted to drive there themselves, so they had more spots and asked if dirk would go. I wasn't one to answer for him. So i asked for him. And thats how it happened.

He bought me a stuffed animal, and responded my email for 3 hrs till 3 in the morning. it was sweet. content-wise, not so much but it was still sweet. Next day we had printed versions of the letter and discussed the order of business together.

So i guess that is THAT?

letter to dirk

Dirk,

This is a letter to tell as it is and a venue for me to fully express my concerns and feelings without having to cause a sore throat. I must ask of you to not do your usual regress-and-hide-in-corner-paralyzed-unable-to-do-anything-or-function-in-any-way routine. It is hard as it is to express these emotions, let alone having a horrible response that facilitates no communication whatsoever. I am not looking to end my letter having to make you feel better, or making sure you are okay. In all honesty, I feel as if I have been enabling you to behave this way, allowing you shirk from responsibilities and emotions. Instead of dealing with them, you fill your moments with distractions: movies, pills, food, whatever. And it is just a lot of bad coping mechanisms that I haven’t seen any improvements on.

With the recent events, I feel extremely difficult to rely on you. This ‘memory issue’ needs to be addressed, not half heartedly, but pursuit with full force. This is not the first time you have used this reason, and it is getting to ridiculous. It is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card you can throw in my face and expect everything to be better.

I am split down the middle in terms of my trust with you. On a deep deep level, I think you wouldn’t cheat on me, and I suppose that is some trust. But events like this are not the first time, nor the second or third time this has happened. Through previous times I know you have lied to me in my face before. And with thoughts like that, I don’t feel like I can trust you. These events have made it hard for me to feel comfortable to rely on you. This is awful because it will put more than just strain on the relationship once we move overseas.

I am frustrated at you. You have a history of making bad decisions. Things you do sometimes are just not well thought out. This whole squirt thing is a perfect example. Worst yet, and this is a revisit of an old issue, you are again crippled with bad feelings.

The text messages you have sent me, ‘have I completely lost you?’, ‘if so I understand’? That’s it? You understand? You will just let me go cuz you understand? Dirk I know I am a hopeless romantic, and I do have movie like fantasies and expectations. You think those things only exist in movies, but if you act out these things, then they are instantly a reality. You don’t fight for these things, it doesn’t mean you don’t care, but you don’t fight for it either. Instead you are wounded and helpless. Well that is bullshit, no one is coming to comfort you when you pissed away at the one who cares for you. You don’t go fighting back for their love or redeem yourself in some way, no one is going to be that much of a doormat.

Yesterday demonstrated this. I knew you couldn’t sleep, I know you would be distraught by what happened. You could’ve wrote me an email, something to try to make up for what you have done. In my mind, it is a perfect time for a grad gesture. Which is what I want Dirk, a grand gesture. Seems like you don’t believe in them. I do. You could’ve been so wound up by the guilt of hurting me, come to the house, by bus or by taxi, and asked me to forgive you. Instead you took a sleeping pill and slept your worries away. How dare you to message me the next day saying ‘you understand?’ What I don’t understand is how little you have given for this. In all honesty, a grand gesture is what I need to feel better, but with this case, I don’t know if 1 you can ever think of any grand gesture 2 whether it would make things any better.

Our relationship has been very good lately. And it is times like these that all your shit spills out and are exposed. It is the same stuff Dirk. It hasn’t improved. It is like you had never had screw up and hurt people you love and actually won them back. I am so tired of winning myself back into the relationship. And it is so sad to watch you dwelt in your self pity and loathing. You are 43, please figure it out.

Steven

never stops

last night, in the midst of not really anything, sleeping at my parents' house, i suddenly remembered that Dirk had an odd account name on Squirt that i saw from an email. See i use his email address to mail stuff for london and shit. Anyways, the nickname was Tarus42. which under my many years of understanding of the art of naming on the internet, the 42 can either mean he is born 1942, which he is not, or he made this account when he was 42, which we were dating for a year already.

Deduction is a bitch.

It ate me up, it ate and ate me up last night. In the afternoon, i decided to try emailing squirt's email contact and see if it would be able to tell me when this account was registered. Maybe, just maybe its not when he was 42, maybe it fucking meant something else. Then tonight, when I was hanging out with Miran and her friends + Kin, i wanted to leave and talk to dirk as soon as he was off. And so i left kin at miran's, it was bad, but it wasnt the worst.

At dirks, after many different ways of starting this dreaded but much needed conversation that i played in my head, I asked him to promise to answer my next question in complete honesty. He swore on his great grandmother's grave. So i asked him 'when did you create your squirt account?' he said a long time ago, before he met me. So i said, if we see the date of when he posted story online (another fight we had long ago, but basically just that he posted porn stories (called cocktails) and i didnt realize he did that so i got mad), we will be able to know when he had his account.

To my saddest surprise, we found the story, written by dick_diddler.

The motherfucker made a new account. In around the same time, with my head spinning and shortness of breath, i read the email response that the tarus account was in fact created on 12/29/06. not even half a year ago.

I called dad, during this time, i asked him if he was to have created the account when i was in hk last christmas, how does he think i feel? he said he knows i would feel horrible. and guess wat? dad told me i was gone to hk since 12/26/06 - 01/06/07.

Bin-fucking-go

in reality, i dont really think he has cheated on me, the account had nothing in the profile (he could've deleted everything), he had no body on his buddy list (which he had on his dick account), but BUT, he ticked the option of not getting any members to email him to his account but he didn't tick off the automatic 'make me a star cruiser!' option. I felt like i was playing nancy drew or sherlock holmes, out to detect whether his lover cheated on him or not

i hate this, this is not the first time. his defense is that he can't really remember because it isn't so important to him. But he swore and swore that he didnt cheat on me, but he fucked up with the sworing already. Honestly, at this point, i dont know what is there to do. I don't trust him. It isn't the first time. and he is not good at grand gestures, which is the one thing that can get me not mad, but in all honesty, i dont even know if a grand gesture can save this bullshit of a relationship.

but i dont have to worry, no grand gesture will come. i want to write him an email, give him hints about what i want, but whats the point, he not doing it will only make me more angry

reflections...

so now that its been a day, things are a little dated and i guess less worthwhile, this whole discount of time thing works outside of money

i thought about it, and i know i thought about it during the walk last night, but i guess i was too tired to get that far about it.

i thought that maybe this is just a way of telling me that i really dont deserve an ipod. that i have so many other things that played music, like my cell phone, or my ds. and that these other people dont have any of it, of course thoughts like well peter won one when he didnt want one came to my mind, and i know he gave it to marshall. . . so maybe marshall deserved it

regardless, i know i said how i did all these things for celia, but i know she did good things for me too, and thats the point

sadly, whenever i start writing, all the nicer deeper thoughts through out the day just disspates into the fucking air. hence rants and rants

one of those nights...

god this is gonna be a long post, and I just finished walking non-stop for the last hour in the dead of the night thinking about all thats happened today ...

today was my convocation, but much more happened than that, hmm maybe I am just letting everyday drama overshadow this monumental event. I wore contacts today so i can see everything clearly, and with my eyeglasses stolen this was a pretty/itchy alternative. I had fun pinning the gown and regalia or what you will call it on some people. Seeing Ying Ying again was awesome . .

we were to wait in this basement place with no reception and listen to this guy talk about the procedure of graduation. and then we were whisked away into the Chan Center where our ceremony was held

it was inside there, while we were lining up to get into the Chan Center that the nerves hit me.

the scary white lite doesn't help, and we were walking away from the light, and into the building

once seated, i turned around and saw the rows of people behind me and I saw dirk at the back of the first floor and my parents on the second floor

It was a nerve wrecking experience, and i didnt listen to to instructions of how to get up and where to look and all of that. I was depending on watching a few people go first and then pick it up. Apparently, the first bunch didnt listen either. . . resulting 'in turning away too soon then flashing, and turning back again but it was too late moments'

I noticed my gown's zipper was broken and i had to make sure no pressure was applied to rip the zipper apart

my name card

the broken zipper
my folder in which my certificate holds

the walk was alright, and dan hugged a bunch of girls. . . and some guys, not me thou, he made a point to walk away even though he shook the guy in front of me's hand

then i bumped into my first sex partner, god it was because of his sauder fling, i probably had an idea who he was but it was just weird seeing him there, and he looks v. old now. but sweet nonetheless, although i think theres an internal hatred towards him and people like dirk that goes after young asians simply because it is much harder to find attractive white versions of similar things and since asians can't usually get younger white people, thats what ends up happening, but i digress . . .

___________________________

The rest of the day was devoted to celebrating Walter's 23rd birthday, we watched Pirates 3 which sucked. and i fell asleep 3 times

the real drama happened when we were at F.O.B. event tonight. I went there consistently to win my ipod nano, i think i went 3 times now, and i spent numerous hours at bingo, trying to win an ipod. . .

so there was i was, aggressive as ever to get the person to sell tickets, cuz in reality, he didnt really do his job too well. and I had to seek him out to buy the tickets, i bought 15 and then i told celia about it, and she bought 5, i told her that if she won, she gotta gimme the ipod, and she was like alright.

so of course, she won the fucking ipod

it was akward, and lets just say at the end of the night, i didnt leave home with an ipod.
1000s of thoughts were running in my mind, and they still are. at first i wondered if i should pursuit it, but i didnt because i know celia is not dumb, and i know she didnt want to give it to me, it really wasnt worth fighting and saying that you said if you won you would give it to me.

anyways dirk didnt think that would be such a good idea, and i know celia wanted to raise the topic around it, to maybe say some kind of solution, but she stopped cold everytime. it sucked because it was one of those things that is just too akward to bring up, and it bugged me. Because if it was anyone else, i know celia would probably give it to them. but not with me, and its not because i am any less of a friend i suppose, but just that its how i chose to have a relationship with her, or anyone for that matter

i act like an asshole, i truly do, but i do do good things for them, what i want to say to celia, for example is that ' who was there when you were completely heart broken and supported you over the months? who always do their best to make sure you have comfortable seatings, proper food, and think of you and take care of you? " but after trying to list some of these things i realized she did a lot for me too, so maybe its not so clear - cut

but thats the thing, we are close, and she does come to me to tell me things, but thats how close we are, and that she can easily not feel too bad bout not giving me this ipod. cuz i do treat her 'badly' but thats what i do, if people still treat me nice, and they can see that i actually, despite my appearence, treat them well, they should be able to treat me well. and be the good friend they should be..

anyways. i am tired. the last bit of rant i have in me is that leo brought a friend over and totally got hitched by walter, and walter is at his place now, 'sleeping over'

leo aint happy, and walter is a whore

do pass this around...

MMM

Mom's Moodswing Madness

I sorta regret telling mom about my man's problems. Especially today, with her work problems, her mood is low. And the biggest problem is, her low moods affect every ounce of her bones. A fabulous dress will look horrendous during those moments. She will hate everything about anything, and this does not stop at your son's gay bf. No, no, in fact it is probably the next item she would turn to with her cursor/target towards - terminator style. Ready to find its flaws and weaknesses, and swoop in for the kill.

Of course she can make it look like she is suffering this whole time while she is at it. And i do understand/believe that this has all been tremendously hard for her. I completely know that I am extremely lucky to have my parents not disowning me or give me any sorts of hard time about my sexuality. It makes situations like this a lot more tolerable. But seeing how much it hurts her really sucks. Somehow it makes me wanna be un-gay, or dump my man. But when I get to that point, I just think "what? Am I really gonna make my mom my best friend and my soul mate? "

These last few days has been really tough in terms of my feelings towards bf. And these moments do not make it any easier.

Dinner Sabotage!

During Dirk's surprise birthday party, Felia mentioned that she wanted to meet my mom and have dinner with her and Miran. Miran told me later that night that she wanted just the four of us to be having the dinner. In other words, without Dirk.

I should have picked up a hint at that moment.

But I didnt.

During an awful day long discussion with my mom about all the things wrong with the world, she told me that the last time Miran, Dirk, herself and I had dinner, Miran tried to mention something negative about Dirk. My mom didn't want to bad-mouth anyone right in front of them, regardless of a language barrier. So having this dinner without Dirk should have rang a bell.

But it didn't.

So I guess I have to say I wasn't THAT surprised with what ended up being a dinner intervention/sabotage. It angered me, the content verbatim isn't important. But essentially its a open discussion to diss Dirk in a backhanded way. I was polite, and offered tea. When my mom couldn't hear what Miran said because the restaurant was so loud, I was able to repeat " she said let's hope the relationship doesn't last long for my sake.'

I am frustrated, I know where Miran is coming from, and I know when I thought her girlfriend choice wasn't wise, after she made her decision, I supported her. What I didn't do was invite her parents out and discuss how she being a lesbian is bad despite my own issues around it.

But all all, I do appreciate her trying to get along with Dirk. So I guess I can't have it all. And that is that.