one of those nights...

god this is gonna be a long post, and I just finished walking non-stop for the last hour in the dead of the night thinking about all thats happened today ...

today was my convocation, but much more happened than that, hmm maybe I am just letting everyday drama overshadow this monumental event. I wore contacts today so i can see everything clearly, and with my eyeglasses stolen this was a pretty/itchy alternative. I had fun pinning the gown and regalia or what you will call it on some people. Seeing Ying Ying again was awesome . .

we were to wait in this basement place with no reception and listen to this guy talk about the procedure of graduation. and then we were whisked away into the Chan Center where our ceremony was held

it was inside there, while we were lining up to get into the Chan Center that the nerves hit me.

the scary white lite doesn't help, and we were walking away from the light, and into the building

once seated, i turned around and saw the rows of people behind me and I saw dirk at the back of the first floor and my parents on the second floor

It was a nerve wrecking experience, and i didnt listen to to instructions of how to get up and where to look and all of that. I was depending on watching a few people go first and then pick it up. Apparently, the first bunch didnt listen either. . . resulting 'in turning away too soon then flashing, and turning back again but it was too late moments'

I noticed my gown's zipper was broken and i had to make sure no pressure was applied to rip the zipper apart

my name card

the broken zipper
my folder in which my certificate holds

the walk was alright, and dan hugged a bunch of girls. . . and some guys, not me thou, he made a point to walk away even though he shook the guy in front of me's hand

then i bumped into my first sex partner, god it was because of his sauder fling, i probably had an idea who he was but it was just weird seeing him there, and he looks v. old now. but sweet nonetheless, although i think theres an internal hatred towards him and people like dirk that goes after young asians simply because it is much harder to find attractive white versions of similar things and since asians can't usually get younger white people, thats what ends up happening, but i digress . . .

___________________________

The rest of the day was devoted to celebrating Walter's 23rd birthday, we watched Pirates 3 which sucked. and i fell asleep 3 times

the real drama happened when we were at F.O.B. event tonight. I went there consistently to win my ipod nano, i think i went 3 times now, and i spent numerous hours at bingo, trying to win an ipod. . .

so there was i was, aggressive as ever to get the person to sell tickets, cuz in reality, he didnt really do his job too well. and I had to seek him out to buy the tickets, i bought 15 and then i told celia about it, and she bought 5, i told her that if she won, she gotta gimme the ipod, and she was like alright.

so of course, she won the fucking ipod

it was akward, and lets just say at the end of the night, i didnt leave home with an ipod.
1000s of thoughts were running in my mind, and they still are. at first i wondered if i should pursuit it, but i didnt because i know celia is not dumb, and i know she didnt want to give it to me, it really wasnt worth fighting and saying that you said if you won you would give it to me.

anyways dirk didnt think that would be such a good idea, and i know celia wanted to raise the topic around it, to maybe say some kind of solution, but she stopped cold everytime. it sucked because it was one of those things that is just too akward to bring up, and it bugged me. Because if it was anyone else, i know celia would probably give it to them. but not with me, and its not because i am any less of a friend i suppose, but just that its how i chose to have a relationship with her, or anyone for that matter

i act like an asshole, i truly do, but i do do good things for them, what i want to say to celia, for example is that ' who was there when you were completely heart broken and supported you over the months? who always do their best to make sure you have comfortable seatings, proper food, and think of you and take care of you? " but after trying to list some of these things i realized she did a lot for me too, so maybe its not so clear - cut

but thats the thing, we are close, and she does come to me to tell me things, but thats how close we are, and that she can easily not feel too bad bout not giving me this ipod. cuz i do treat her 'badly' but thats what i do, if people still treat me nice, and they can see that i actually, despite my appearence, treat them well, they should be able to treat me well. and be the good friend they should be..

anyways. i am tired. the last bit of rant i have in me is that leo brought a friend over and totally got hitched by walter, and walter is at his place now, 'sleeping over'

leo aint happy, and walter is a whore

do pass this around...

MMM

Mom's Moodswing Madness

I sorta regret telling mom about my man's problems. Especially today, with her work problems, her mood is low. And the biggest problem is, her low moods affect every ounce of her bones. A fabulous dress will look horrendous during those moments. She will hate everything about anything, and this does not stop at your son's gay bf. No, no, in fact it is probably the next item she would turn to with her cursor/target towards - terminator style. Ready to find its flaws and weaknesses, and swoop in for the kill.

Of course she can make it look like she is suffering this whole time while she is at it. And i do understand/believe that this has all been tremendously hard for her. I completely know that I am extremely lucky to have my parents not disowning me or give me any sorts of hard time about my sexuality. It makes situations like this a lot more tolerable. But seeing how much it hurts her really sucks. Somehow it makes me wanna be un-gay, or dump my man. But when I get to that point, I just think "what? Am I really gonna make my mom my best friend and my soul mate? "

These last few days has been really tough in terms of my feelings towards bf. And these moments do not make it any easier.

Dinner Sabotage!

During Dirk's surprise birthday party, Felia mentioned that she wanted to meet my mom and have dinner with her and Miran. Miran told me later that night that she wanted just the four of us to be having the dinner. In other words, without Dirk.

I should have picked up a hint at that moment.

But I didnt.

During an awful day long discussion with my mom about all the things wrong with the world, she told me that the last time Miran, Dirk, herself and I had dinner, Miran tried to mention something negative about Dirk. My mom didn't want to bad-mouth anyone right in front of them, regardless of a language barrier. So having this dinner without Dirk should have rang a bell.

But it didn't.

So I guess I have to say I wasn't THAT surprised with what ended up being a dinner intervention/sabotage. It angered me, the content verbatim isn't important. But essentially its a open discussion to diss Dirk in a backhanded way. I was polite, and offered tea. When my mom couldn't hear what Miran said because the restaurant was so loud, I was able to repeat " she said let's hope the relationship doesn't last long for my sake.'

I am frustrated, I know where Miran is coming from, and I know when I thought her girlfriend choice wasn't wise, after she made her decision, I supported her. What I didn't do was invite her parents out and discuss how she being a lesbian is bad despite my own issues around it.

But all all, I do appreciate her trying to get along with Dirk. So I guess I can't have it all. And that is that.

Floral...

call it spring/summer, call it me trying to cheer myself up... but i am really starting to dig floral and colourful things, really anything. . . i went as far as making my own floral wallpaper, stealing pictures without asking over flickr and deviantart

watched the last top model this cycle and jaslene or whatever her face won. . . woopie . . . not, i like natasha more, but i know jas is prettier and more worthy, but i still like natasha more.

Drag and Crazy together at last

Going to bubble tea with peter and them was sorta awful, realizing (thanks to walter's brilliance) i find that his group probably find time to diss my friend (gay asian) and its helping walter build a stronger bond with the group. its so ridiculous i dont even know how to deal with it
i mean we all trash talk others whenever, but something about it annoyed it, be it the fact that everyone in peters group is catering to peter's ego and opinions, or the fact that walter is using other people's annoying-ness to shadow his own, or just the fact that i didnt say anything about it, it annoyed me.

Anyways, happy thoughts, happy S/S 07 floral...

galliano s/s 07

mcqueen s/s 07

laurent s/s 07

Unofficial 5 Year High School Reunion

just today i was eating at mcdonlads with dirk, and i got a bunch of black pepper packets and told him to start opening them and pour them into the nugget sauces. I told him Terry used to do that for me all the time. And then I said 'I miss high school.'

Funny enough, that night in draping class, i got a call from Adam and he told me that terry is back in town and that they are meeting tonight. So off i went, ditching all responsibilities with dirk. There were a few of us. Ron, Mike Man, Adam, me , terry, and alvin law. i would have preferred just ron adam me and terry, the grade 8 4 of us. but it was nice. I guess we all didn't change too much... and it was nice, we chatted about old times. And we watched reno 911 and ate chips. it was so high school.

when everyone was leaving, i caught adam and terry alone and we stood in the wind next to our cars, and chatted on our own. It was REALLY nice. we took some pictures. and I drove off, for once thinking about something that is gone but not actually sad about it, but able to smile and look back. Deep inside there is a sore spot, but overall, a smile seeped out. I don't know when the 3 of us will get to talk again. But it kicked ass.

desperately

Craigslists' strictly platonic site has always caught my interest when i am bored as hell, reluctant to draw, sew, or drape, I am desperately looking at how others are desperately trying to make a connection.

That said, I have used the service, mostly replying, and once in a while posting. you have to wonder though, just walk out into the streets of Vancouver, and there s people everywhere, who are these people? people just like me that are out there seeking connections, and blatantly out loud online but are too shy to talk with anyone in a coffee shop, bus stop, or grocery line up?

anyways, i have been thinking lately about friends and the lack of it. Seeing how peter didnt share my opinion, or rather he would want to withheld his opinion of his so call friend fat fat now, i felt alone about the issue, as if i was over-sensitive. anyways surprised at the lack of people i can turn to to talk about this situation because me and miran didnt resolve our issue quite just yet, i realize i have this dream slash expectation of having friends that are always there, and you can always talk when you need to.

Dirk said its really a fantasy. I like to think i act that way since i am a pretty big follower for 'do one as you would like to be treated' but i would like to have a mirror image of a friend, just to know what kind of person i really am to my friends

fat fat is an ungrateful little asshole...

god how will i regret this post, but walter was truly being an ingrate today. . .

peter and i are going out again, and for a moment, I couldnt remember why i hated walter so much. . . of course he had to remind me.

After the photo shoot i had over the weekend, walter came over to dirks place to hang out with miran before we head off to dinner. . .

it was a pretty bad day to begin with and having walter there was a pain enough, dirk and i were fighting, me and miran were fighting, it just wasnt pretty. and walter, as oblivious as a fetus, just hung around . . . miran completely ignored him and i kept his company . .

then at dinner, at moxies, dirk's front house manager gave everyone their free meals (minus app-y platter and drinks) and dirk insisted on giving them an extra large tip, which was a little big, but given the amount that was discounted, it was really great anyways . .

but 3 days later, at bubble tea, peter mentioned about the dinner thing and appearently, walter said that him and celia were complaining afterwards how the meal would have been just as normally priced. . . and he was seriously complaining.

devastated, i only made crappy attacks, he complained about the food, i said you said you liked it then. . . and it was lame and futile, i wish i was calm enough to just say ' well, i will make sure you never get another free meal again' because seriously thats what it comes down to, and if i want to be a little bit worst, i would just say 'you know walter, with you being so pleasant lately, i forgot why you were an annoying little bitch, but now i remember, you just can't be liked for too long can you?'

o the spirit of the stairway ...